Real Talk: I am not Fat, I am Pregnant

I find myself uttering these words when I look in the mirror and see my belly with my beautiful growing child. I have struggled with my weight the majority of my life and find it more and more challenging since surpassing age 30… I imagine that part is all in my head because of the stats — they say your metabolism drops off when you are 30, etc etc. 

Anyway, I realize I am not fat, just pregnant (so please spare the comments of gushing and how baby needs that weight. I am a logical individual, not a complete idiot. Nor am I fishing for compliments… I take them poorly anyway). But as I started to gain the necessary weight for pregnancy, I struggled with my growing reflection, especially in the “I don’t look pregnant, I look fat” stage, which every pregnant woman goes through, unless you are lucky and super tiny and all belly when you get pregnant and start to grow. But I figured, that if I was having this mental “crisis” (so-to-speak) that I couldn’t be the only one.

When I was little, I was always a little chubby. In high school, I noted many of my friends who played soccer and ran as much as I did, had little trouble keeping weight off. And thanks society, for giving me the impression that Barbie was well proportioned and other super models were how normals were supposed to look… Seriously? The magazines and posters left little to be desired. Anyway, I was a little miffed, but still continued on, because hello, have you seen me play soccer? I am/was a beast. And have been called such on the soccer field and yes, it IS a source of pride.  

I went to college and packed on the freshman 15. I felt gross in my own skin and when I came home from that first year at Purdue, I did experience a relative exclaim “wow! You have really packed on the weight!” Uhhhh thanks, guy…. I didn’t notice the new pants I had to buy in order to clothe myself and what would I have done if I didn’t have you to tell me??? Anyway, I resolved to lose weight then and there, and for a year or two, I lost weight, and managed to have some accomplishments in soccer and in my track and swimming times. Anyway, let’s speed forward a little bit because you don’t need all of my crazy recounts of each individual year. 

Since leaving school my weight has fluctuated quite a bit. I have been unhealthy at 120 pounds and I have been unhealthy at 200 pounds, I have seen both sides of the spectrum. My comfortable and healthy range is somewhere between 145 and 160 depending on what training I am doing (this is not based on the charts at the doc office, but based on my frame and what looks good on me… And for reference, the charts at the doc say for my height I should weigh 125… When I did weigh that little I had my mom telling me to eat a cheeseburger, no lie). With that being said, that is not what I weighed at start of pregnancy. I was actually kind of overweight and going through massive amounts of testing for why I continuously managed to get overweight despite working out, lifting and mult types of cardio, as well as eating healthy.

Thyroid issues run in my family and so do some other medical weight issues and I was being tested for the lot of them as well as some infertility diseases when I found out I was pregnant. I will tell you, I have been tested throughout my life for hypothyroidism and every time I am tested, I am on the cusp of being declared with a hypothyroid. (Sigh) anywho, we found out we were expecting, which was awesome, because I had had one doc already tell me they were unsure if we could get pregnant. I was excited but a little concerned, because I was going into pregnancy about 10-15 pounds heavier than I wanted to and I was constantly working out at the time. I knew I didn’t need to focus on losing weight, because hello, pregnant, but watching the scale go up was not something I could easily adjust my thought process to as the way life should be. I proceeded to watch my food intake (as in be conscious of what I was putting in my body and try not to eat too much processed crap, I’m not talking restrict myself in anyway) and make sure I was still working out (within reason), in order to stay healthy and keep the baby healthy. I gained minimal weight in the first trimester and then I got really tired and lazy and started eating a little bit more processed crap and working out a little less. Let’s be honest, pregnancy does that to some people, no two pregnancies are the same (even for the same person) and I after never being an afternoon nap taker, was falling asleep at like 8pm. 

For a while, up until about 6 months, I could hide behind sweaters and long scarves at work. But all the while would look in the mirror, and tell my poor husband, I was getting fat with baby. He would do his husbandly duty and tell me I was crazy, but it was a hard mental adjustment after years of weight battles to watch the scale climb and accept it completely. I have gained 24 pounds at this point during my pregnancy and am holding steady for now (although don’t expect to through the end, as we still have about 10 weeks to go). I am mostly belly but there are some love handles that have filled out more and I can see it in my face. 
So why should you care and why am I writing this? Well… I was talking to a buddy of mine and was talking about this whole weight gain thing and how it was a hard adjustment mentally to accept that it was right… Logically I know it is correct but emotionally I am like…. Dang. And I thought, I can’t be the only person going through this or having gone through this or that might go through this and decided I should write about it. At this stage in my pregnancy, I am 3 days shy of 30 weeks. And I def look more pregnant than fat although I have had some idiots make stupid comments and then I am like uhh I’m pregnant and then they’ve been like really? And I’m like no… I am just fat or no I like to walk around with a basketball under my shirt and pretend… (Sigh…people)… But let’s be real, if you are going through this pregnancy thing or you are about to, you will always meet a few idiots…. Just like in life, they will be dumb as hell and ask stupid questions that make you shake your head… This is normal and they don’t go away just cause you got knocked up. 

Point is, don’t let these idiots bring you down! You look fabulous!!! And you are doing what you are supposed to be doing which is gaining weight and feeding your growing child, who if you are at almost 30 weeks, like me, is stomping on your bladder and having a great time sucking nutrients from you while punching your ribs. Roll on friend, roll on. You are doing what your body, as a woman, was meant to do. And who cares if you can’t keep up your pre-pregnant workout regiment??? It really doesn’t matter. I was running 20+ miles a week, lifting twice a week and swimming also pre pregnancy…  And I kept up some of the running (dropped in miles), come of the lifting when I first got pregnant… But at 3 months the running became uncomfortable due to the way things were shifting in my body and at 4 months, I stopped lifting because I could feel it straining my lower half which isn’t really that great for the kid (cause big secret… That is where you carry the kid!). I am not saying don’t work out or don’t run while pregnant, I am saying you are different than me and I am different from the next person. You need to do what is right for you to take care of you and your baby. And yes… I did say I was going to run through my whole pregnancy… Then I got pregnant and ate those words…a few times over.

Now? Now I try to make sure I walk a lot (circulation is important) and I have a few buddies who meet me to go walking. I take walk breaks at work, drink a lot of water, and make my husband eat Mexican once a week with me :-) 

So I will say this again, during this incredibly amazing time growing a human (when you are uncomfortable and possibly feeling like a beached whale), you need to do what is right for you and listen to YOUR body. The article over there from how-you-should-do-your-pregnancy-right is probably wrong since that is a generalization from one person or a few people’s experiences. You do you. And tell yourself this during pregnancy and during parenting… Because people have unsolicited advice and they want to give it… And that is a topic for another day.



please pardon the bathroom selfie. everytime i remember to take a bump picture, i am about to go to bed. hehe but i absolutely LOATHE bathroom selfies… cause come on.. but for now, this is the best we can do so deal with it.

Week 28 because Why Not?

How far along? 28 weeks today
Total weight gain/loss: 24 lbs (so large. ALL THE COOKIES! nom nom nom)

Maternity clothes? YES. OMG yes! and I have tried on normal non preggo clothes with the thought of oh this is a line or whatever and maybe it would fit…. i was uhhh disappointed. hips wider, parts bigger, etc.
Sleep: 6-8 hours depending but it is slightly uncomfortable. 
Best moment this week: the jabs I feel when dog barks or music is playing. 

Movement: tons. baby especially like kicking my bladder and my ribs (she flips a lot)
Food cravings: other than for shit I can’t have? nada.
Anything making you queasy or sick: sugar but uhhh i have been eating it anyway… I CAN STOP ANYTIME I WANT! 
Have you started to show yet: BAHAHAHAHAHA yes but that doesn’t mean I haven’t gotten the “Oh youre pregnant?!” from coworkers and that is when I take the opportunity to use my much practiced line of “naw, I am just fat” or “nope, just easiest way to covertly carry my soccer ball around and over to practice” :-)
Leakage: as in…? isn’t this TMI?
Gender prediction: hahaha we know what SHE is. SHE is def a girl. super late to the game… as always.

Belly Button in or out? In. 
Wedding rings on or off? Off but got a fake one. I have been swelling so damn much (and before anyone starts in on it… the salt thing in your diet re pregnancy is a myth, look it up… i did)
Happy or Moody most of the time: 
Weekly Wisdom: like assholes (bum holes)…. everyone has opinions, thoughts and wants…. 😀
Milestones: had the glucose test saturday. and starting third trimester and home stretch!

I promise to post a bump pic or two soon. 

INKnBURN and Pregnancy

So a while back (June), I posted on facebook about how my husband and I are expecting a wee-one. And obviously my husband isn’t the one with child :-) 

With that being said, I have long since outgrown my normal clothes and the bella/belly bands will only get you so far because they aren’t really that comfortable in my opinion, so it was with a heavy heart that I accepted these facts and began to explore other options for bottoms as I move further into my pregnancy. One of my all time favorite pairs of pants to wear with my ever expanding mid-section has been my INB denim pants because they really grow with me and look like real jeans so I can wear them to work!!! 😀


See? Like REAL jeans! AH-MAZING!


this is me about a month or so ago with a mini belly, most people can’t even tell im pregnant yet which i found weird because I CAN TELL!

But seriously, I am 4 days shy of the start of my 6th month of  pregnancy at this point, and I am still wearing these pants! I wear them so much that (no shame, here), I bought a SECOND pair! Yea… I am crazy, but it had to happen, because I wear them all of the time. And what reminded me on how much I wear them was a discussion in a facebook group about the fit of INB pants and tights. and I was like hold on I am wearing them today! 


yes, that is a baby bump picture. killing two birds with one stone over here… :-) but I enjoy the option of high waist or not, as well as the fact that these pants have literally grown with me. 


see? pregnant. and the pants STRETCH! Whoever invented stretchy pants has literally made my life like 89% better and that goes for both during and not during pregnancy. And hey, no lie… they make my pregnant ass look pretty damn good. 

as close as we will get to a gratuitous ass shot over here....

as close as we will get to a gratuitous ass shot over here….

So with all of that being said, there are some other pants I wear and have been wearing during pregnancy that aren’t pregnancy pants, but my INB denim pants are by far my favorites! And yes, these are my normal size!!! So as I probably mentioned earlier, INB grows WITH you! Eeeee!!!! 

Clearly what I need to do now is continue testing this growing w me theory and go eat some ice cream :-)

Do you own any INKNBURN? If so, what is your fave piece? If not, did you see the new Halloween line??? What’re you waiting for? 


A Year of Reflections: Things I have Learned about Myself

I will call this post: “A Year of Reflections: Things I have Learned about Myself (both good and bad)”

I will call it such because after my last post where I prolly sounded like a giant jerk, especially to some more than others, I decided to share with you all of the things I learned about myself and others based on my dad’s death. I don’t know if I will be able to accurately divide these lessons into both good and bad things that have come from this so I am not going to try. What I will do instead is list the stuff I learned and let you judge for yourself what is good to have learned and what is bad….

  1. I learned that while you do catch more bees with honey, sometimes you dont have time to be nice. Sometimes, you need to get to the point and move forward
  2. Which leads me to point 2… sometimes by getting to the point, you end up coming off as callus and ultimately this can be interpreted as being an asshole… I am working on finding the fine line between getting to the point and being a callus asshole…
  3. I have very little patience for stupidity… even less patience than I had before my dad passed away…
  4. I have very little patience for drama. I don’t have time for it, I don’t want it in my life, and if you bring it near me you get 3 strikes… then you are out. (Keep in mind, problem solving… as in solving problems for friends and family is VASTLY different than someone bringing drama)
  5. Which brings me to point 5 — Life is too short, no one has time to waste! Don’t waste time on stupidity or drama and don’t waste your life on the couch (looks in mirror), or wishing and wanting. Lately I have tried to start taking life by the horns and get out there and DO stuff. I am no longer lurking on my local run group’s facebook page… I am out there DOING stuff in the group (SCORE!). Jerid and I have started to improve the house instead of just talking about it, etc.
  6. Sucking at keeping in touch with people does not mean that we can always pick up from where we left off and it certainly does not allow me to go around touting that I am a great friend…. so I have made some efforts to stay in better contact with people who have moved. I have made efforts to get back in contact with people I lost touch with and so on.
  7. I am an asshole. I lack empathy and often I lack sympathy. This was something I realized when I was talking to a close friend recently and I said it to her after saying it to myself… and then said I need to fix that. I didn’t used to be this bad at it… don’t get me wrong, I sucked at it before, but now, NOW, I really suck at it. But I know now and knowing is half the battle and I have been working hard the last few weeks since I realized it to try and change it.
  8. Before my dad died, I had feelings… now it seems that the feelings I have are a much smaller range of feelings… don’t get me wrong I have sadness and joy and various levels of annoyance/rage, and I had these things before but these seem to be my three options of feelings since my dad died… which doesn’t give a range of stuff. So I need to work on this… it just might make me a better human.
  9. I am much more logically driven these days and less emotionally driven… which is weird because I am pregnant. heh
  10. I am working on becoming an adult and ACTING like an adult. Which means acting responsibly… this will be demonstrated in the near future. yknow… kids on the way and shit 😛

I am sure I have learned more stuff but these are the things that have come to mind and in case you are at the end of this post and still have NO idea what I am talking about, feel free to go back and review this post about my dad dying. And hey if this has got you down, turn on some Jimmy Buffett, grab a margarita and kick back and relax and think about all of the awesome in your life. Because it is there somewhere, even when it might seem like you are in the worst place you could be in in life or that your life is really sucking, trust me when I tell ya, it could always be worse… so relax, and start planning your next adventure!

And on one final note, I leave you with this quote:

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”
— Hunter S Thompson


A Year of Reflections: Things I want you to Know about Me Now that I have Lost my Dad

I have put a lot of thought into this and the concept, although not new, could be helpful to others looking to verbalize their thoughts. I lost my dad almost a year ago, now. It was sudden and it sucked. This was very hard but it should not minimize anyone who lost their parents due to sickness — that is hard to watch as they slowly dwindle and the light you knew inside of them slowly goes out — my heart goes out to you. Seriously. Maybe we will be able to commiserate on some of the thoughts I am going to share…

Me, wearing my dad's hat, logging him off of his Mac for the final time #symbolic

Me, wearing my dad’s hat, logging him off of his Mac for the final time #symbolic

The pic above was taken July 4th, 2014, the day before my dad died. I was back at my parents’ condo/timeshare at the beach, packing up my mom and dad’s things, as my mom asked me to (she, Ben and my aunt were all still at the hospital — Jess, Jerid and I were packing things up) and I was in charge of electronics for the most part. So I started making sure we had everything and I went to my pop’s laptop, which he, ironically, never let me touch EVER and shut it down. The bottom line, “Log out Joel Goodman” seemed symbolic since at this point, pop’s heart was already failing him… needless to say, it was a rough weekend.

As this other post said: Do not try and understand. Unless you have lost a parent, you can’t (and no, a grandparent is NOT the same, unless that grandparent raised you like a parent would — believe me, I know. I lost all four of my grandparents by 2008 in addition to my father last year and several other very close people who are near and dear to my heart), and you don’t really want to, trust me on this. I do not wish this pain on anyone. 

Do not, and I mean do NOT, complain to me about your parents. It will not go over well. Your parents are a gift. They gave you life. They might suck from time to time or may have sucked the whole time you knew them, but if you can still pick up the phone and call them, then you should do it. What this means, let me break it down: there are some people I know who complain about having a weird relationship with their parents but dont want to make time to call, visit themor change it in anyway. There are some people who complain to me about having to spend time with their parents when they would rather be doing x y or z…. your parents love you, bottom line. They want the best for you and you complaining to me when you can still go see them, makes me cringe because I cannot go and see my dad anymore. I take the time to speak with my mom regularly, ok… daily… and it is worth it to me. 

My mom and me at the 2014 Jimmy Buffett concert

My mom and me at the 2014 Jimmy Buffett concert

Which brings me to my next point: tell your parents you love them as much as you can, because no matter how much you tell them, it will never be enough. Once they are gone, you will understand, even if you told them every day and held their hand as they left this world, it still feels like it is not enough. I know that no matter how many times I took an opportunity to tell my dad I loved him, it was never enough…. so I say it as often as I can to my mom and even to my brother… and if you know the interesting relationship Ben and I have, then you know this is a big development — we aren’t a touchy-feely family.

Father’s day sucks. Their birthday sucks (for me, february). Their death day sucks (July). Holidays suck. Hell, most days suck. Because I can’t randomly call my dad anymore. My mom has tried her best to fill the spot pop left and for the most part while she has done her best, no one can replace the hole he left. Don’t get me wrong, my mom is awesome! She has a place, a large place in my life. She is my mom, one and only, she just isn’t my dad. Which goes back to my earlier point and a point I made on facebook on father’s day. Your parents made you who you are, genetically, morally, and all other ways. They shaped and molded the base you that is in front of us today. They deserve more recognition than just one day a year or two (father’s/mother’s day and their birthday). They are epic human beings for putting up with your shit for the last several decades. Let’s be real. I was a douchebag in college and for a few years beyond. My parents still put up with me.  Just like your still put up with you.

And yknow what, sometimes I am angry. I am angry when people act like it is another day, when people act like it is all ok, and sometimes I am angry for no reason at all. Does the pain dull over time? Maybe but I am most definitely not there yet and it all comes in waves. I have mostly been able to move forward in life, in work, and in general, but there are days where it all really gets me. The morning of father’s day, after reading numerous “My father is the best, Happy Father’s Day” posts, I wrote this:

I read a lot about dads but often only on Father’s Day, which is somewhat unfortunate. Don’t get me wrong, dads and moms deserve to be recognized but as we age, we should take more than a day to thank them for all they have done for us.

I lost my dad and it blows.

So take some time to spend with your dad (and your mom) today and every day because (as morbid as it sounds) you may not have them around forever. But celebrate them while they are here and tell them how much youappreciate, love, care, and respect them for all they have done to make you the human you are today.

Happy Father’s Day, to every dad of all kinds.

However, the post was edited and reedited before being posted, because when I wrote it, I was angry. Angry that people who still have their dads don’t realize how lucky they are except a handful of days a year and the rest of the time, take their dads for granted. I was angry that my dad is gone. I was angry that it hurts to make a post about my dad now. I am just angry. I am working on it. I went through a lot of healing to get to where I am at now. Now, I keep the anger in…. it is no longer right at the surface and I am no longer ready to pounce for insensitivity. 

I will say that with the dulling of the anger, also came a dulling of the continuous hurt… now it just hurts in waves, when I see something that triggers a memory or something similar. For example, INKnBURN made a tuxedo shirt that my dad would have LOVED — I know he would have loved it. He had one that was not in tech tee form and we discussed burying him in it… seriously. We did. hehe 

Almost a year ago, we were canceling our annual fourth of July party and heading down to VA beach because my dad had had an accident. (and when I say annual, i mean EVERY year, giant blowout) We decided not to have the party this year. My husband’s and my heart just aren’t in it… it is hard to feel joy and happiness and excitement when so much pain occurred just a short time ago.

My dad will never get to see his grandchildren… of course we will tell them about him but he will never get to teach them the life long lessons that have stuck with me so thoroughly. Lessons about competition with other and yourself, ambition, intelligence, learning… the list goes on. The competition that was bred into my brother and i (we are 14 months apart… he is older) fed into the ambition and drive that I developed as an adult… could not have been a coincidence. heh. My mom and I actually sat and had a discussion about this the other day. 

But I digress….

My dad meant so much to so many people and now when I have memories come up, they are happy, albeit still tear-filled, they include laughter now as well instead of my excusing myself and going to a room alone and bawling. My husband has worked with me through a lot of this stuff. My dad’s death hit him hard as well. My dad really touched so many people. I remember on the fourth last year, my buddy Ivan called me to tell me that he was so upset because of the loss of my dad and he had just gotten engaged. I told him to stop because he was supposed to be happy right now and that the news of his engagement was the best news I had all weekend. Point being, in ultimate sadness, another reflection I have been able to look back on, is that my family and I are truly blessed. We have made some amazing friends (who are really more like family), who really came together to help us in this time of such terrible and epic loss. Even months after the fact, a lot of my friends are still willing to listen to me whine about the effects my father’s death has had on me. 

While I know I have not achieved all of the things that I think would really make him puff his chest out in pride, I know I have still done him proud. When I worked at NASA (and my brother did and does still work with NASA as a Science geek), he would walk around saying my kids work at NASA… WHAT? and when I was at the Smithsonian, he would come see me at work, but it was secretly to go to the butterfly garden. If he could see me now, as a software enginerd at Fish and Wildlife Refuges, he would use every excuse to go to all of the refuges :-) . He really cared about all people. He took my husband on photography trips with him and taught Jerid a lot about photography and many many other gadgets. He inspired and guided my friends on life decisions and was always willing to help where he could. <sigh> I may never actually live up to the high standards my pop set but I am certainly going to try my ass off to do so. And I just hope that Jerid and I can instill half of the lessons my dad (and mom) instilled in me and my brother as we were growing up. 

me and my pop watching the Argentina world cup game in June 2014

me and my pop watching the Argentina world cup game in June 2014

I will leave you all with this final thought: losing a parent is a terrible loss, but everything is a learning experience. If we are lucky, we have/had someone we could learn from throughout our lives; however, even those where there is no love lost, remember that in death, we can all learn something from those we have lost as well as the lives they lived. :-)

What a long strange trip it’s been…

This post may seem a little disjointed but my thoughts are a little scattered these days as a lot of things have happened recently that are a little overwhelming.

As you all may remember, in Feb of 2013, I opted to leave the NASA and move over to the Smithsonian. The Smithsonian and I have had some good times. We have known each other for a really long time. My mom and dad used to bring me to the Smithsonian when I was little (the museums were free and could keep kids like me and my brother entertained for hours)! Getting the opportunity to work in a childhood pasttime favorite of mine was a dream come true!


The main entrance at Natural History, from staff floor!

I was really lucky to grow up in the DC metro area as I got to experience all of the awesome things DC had to offer on a regular basis, the Smithsonian museums being just a few of those things. My parents, being the scientists and nerds that they are and were, enjoyed the outdoors. My pop would always want to go out to wildlife refuges and take pictures and this would be ok with my mom and brother because they both liked looking around by ponds and in dirt for random creatures. Me…. not so much (prolly had to do with my brother making me eat mud and sand pies).

So when we would go to the local area wildlife refuges or national parks (Mason Neck, Great Falls, etc), everyone would kind of disperse and do their own thing. My pop would set up in a chair with his camera equipment and wait for birds, my brother would wander off, sometimes with me sometimes not, to play near the water or look for salamanders and I would generally follow a hiking trail to one place or another, checking back in occasionally. My pop was always in the same spot. We generally wouldn’t leave for hours. So these trips composed large parts of my childhood, as well as adulthood — example being when my pop and I went down to Florida to see MAVEN launch in November of 2013… the Merritt Wildlife
Refuge is right outside of Kennedy Space Center (KSC)


and so of course we had to go there and walk around and check out all of the birds, gators, and other animals we could see. It was a ton of fun!

Pop at Merritt Wildlife Refuge


We wandered around for over three hours just looking at stuff and goofing off.

I don’t think my family has ever had a BAD time at a wildlife refuge.



Anyway, I grew up learning stuff about space (so NASA was a great and amazing place to work), going to the Smithsonian (working here has been kick ass) and going to wildlife refuges… which brings me to my GIGANTIC AMAZING NEWS!!! 

I have gotten a new job and am transferring to Fish and Wildlife Service Refuges!!! I am REALLY excited! I type this on my last day here at Natural History, before anyone has gotten in to work, and before I have had coffee; but I really couldn’t be more thrilled.

desk friends

My desk friends are moving!!!! They are at home in a box, waiting for their new home!

Fish and Wildlife has their headquarters in VA, closer to my house, so the commute will be shorter (dunno if I can call it better) but I won’t be coming downtown every day anymore, so I will miss parts of the job here of course. The people are awesome and I got to do and participate in a lot of neat projects and events!

Reveal of the T-Rex skull

Reveal of the T-Rex skull


Carousel time -  free rides every week for staff!!!

Carousel time – free rides every week for staff!!!

This is only a handful of the stuff we got to do as Smithsonian  employees, not including folk life staff picnic every year, all of the exhibit previews, seeing bao bao debut and many others!

I have had a good run here at the Smithsonian and my husband and I couldn’t be more excited as we embark on this next part of our lives with my new job! He thinks he will get me to go camping more :-) — Dunno about this, but I love hiking and we do that regularly already, we just may start traveling further out for our hikes!

6:30am in the morning before I walked in, I took a final day selfie in the back parking lot!  

Last day smiles!

Last day, all smiles before we head into the building at 6:30am!

All I can say is “What a long strange trip it’s been…” and I am excited for my next one!

Sometimes, I hold my breath…

Sometimes, I hold my breath… I was originally going to start this post out with “Sometimes, I forget to breathe…” but that is completely inaccurate, I always remember but sometimes I choose to hold my breath. I haven’t quite figured out why for all of the times, but 7 times out of 10 it is because I want whatever is happening to stop or go away or rewind. Mind you, it never works, but for some reason I keep doing it. 

When I had knee surgery at the end of January, I held my breath until they were able to get my IV in; I held my breath as they took it out; I held my breath as I got up to take my first steps (post-surgery). And this is just ONE day! 

This morning, when I was driving to work, I saw a WAGS (Washington Area Girls Soccer) magnet and I thought back to all of the years I dedicated to soccer, how I played on and off during college and didn’t do stuff because of stupid people I chose to keep in my life and where those decisions got me (trust me, it was nowhere good) and I held my breath, hoping that I could change stuff… and then it kind of hit me. I do this regularly and yknow what, I have changed, dramatically since 2003. Things had to get a little worse before they could get a little better, and since I do nothing half-assed, they got a lot worse and then a lot better. :-)

Speaking of how I never do anything half-assed, when I decide to do something, I do it and I hit it hard. When I decided to start running, I signed up for a 5 mile race as my first race. Within my first 6 months of starting running, I had signed up for and completed a half marathon. Within the first 18 months I had completed my first full marathon.

So, when I had to stop running in November because of my knee, I decided I would delve into my feelings about my dad dying, in a variety of ways: doing all of the crappiest things I could do to myself and spending tons of money on useless crap (just another way to avoid dealing). As December rolled in, the holidays came and went and my unhealthy activities took a brief break while I did a program at my church, but I picked up where I left off in January when we moved into our new house. I continued with this unhealthy pattern until about two weeks post knee surgery, when I decided to STOP wallowing in self-pity and pain. It has taken me about one month to completely pull my head from my ass. It cost me some money, 30-35 pounds gained, and 3 months of my own time. (And just a disclaimer, this didn’t affect my work or anything like that, just ate like crap, spent a little too much, went out a little too much, and I was pretty much a sad sack for 3-4 months for sure)

The thing I am most upset isn’t about the money (we didnt go into debt or anything just didnt stick to the budget like I should have) or the weight gain (although it is uncomfortable and it is shitty, it can be lost… again), it is the loss of time. I essentially lost those 3 months. I hate losing time. Hate it. I went through a period of my life where I was just wasting time (years, actually) and it always pisses me off when I lose time…. prolly why I pack all of my days with tons of stuff and why when I was in grad school, I worked full time, had a second job AND was marathon training hehe. Now, in all fairness, it wasn’t a complete loss of time. This period of time actually enabled me to open up and discuss my feelings and how much the loss of my dad affected me. And I didn’t open up to everyone, just a handful of people, really. And some commiserated and some gave sympathy and some wept with me. 

Anyway, I made a decision to, yknow, pull my head from my ass. And it is kind of funny because, looking back and as I have been typing this, I realize that as much as I hated losing that time to just… do nothing… it really helped me open a dialog about how I was feeling that I wasn’t willing to do prior to November – so I suppose some good came out of the time warp :-)

Back to this morning, I found my self holding my breath on my drive in when I saw the WAGS magnet and thinking about my dad and my teammates and all of the years I spent playing D1 ball and eminem’s not afraid was playing. Idunno, it was pretty kickass. :-) 

Point being, sometimes bad things can actually be good, with the right perspective and outlook. 

Word Vomiting and Other Socially Awkward Things

I have this terrible tendency to word vomit all over people after days and weeks of silence. It isn’t pretty and it isn’t favored normally, but yknow, it is what it is. I did this to my friend, Rachel, about two months ago, via email, telling her that I have known her for over 15 years and we should be able to discuss more than just surface stuff with each other. We had several back and forth emails about how this was, in fact, the case and we should have a dedicated night to it and thus, “Whiskey night” was born. We sit. We imbibe the occasional glass of whiskey or other spirits and we chat about things that aren’t surface related: from complaining about life to in-depth feels that we struggle to discuss with anyone else. This often involves a lot of word vomiting :-)

Socially awkward, I am. Happens to the best of us.

And REAL TALK (skip next paragraph if you can’t handle real talk): I am sure that some of you have noticed… I haven’t exactly updated this thing lately. And, honestly, I am not sorry. I have been having a bit of a rough go of the whole life thing since all of my extracurricular activities have ended and my training was abruptly halted when I found out post marathon that I have a partial tear in my meniscus. I have pretty down in the dumps and feeling somewhat not all participatory in this thing called life. I spent a fair amount of time working through a lot of feels and emotions and been going through some motions and trying to regain that “life is so amazing” feeling! And I have been slowly doing that; I have been getting more and more active in a variety of activities! I have been working with Girl, Develop It! on some stuff as well as coming up with some long term side projects for wordpress theming and drupal theming. I am pretty jazzed about them. I am also in talks with some various friends about collaborative projects! Life is getting exciting again and I am getting busy (which is how I survive)!

I am having arthroscopic knee surgery to repair the partially torn meniscus next Thursday and I should be back up and on the road and trails again within a few weeks! Until then, I have started a kick ass swimming regiment to get some kind of base in and get back in some kind of shape (and hopefully lose some of the sad sack weight I have gained in the last two months of sad sack sitting). 

Here’s hoping 2015 won’t be completely terrible to me and my family! Husband and I moved into a new place and we are excited about the future prospects! Keep your eyes here and we will be back soon with more information and various other things :-)

The Thinks I Think, Edition 3

I have a lot of thoughts and most of them are completely unrelated, so bear with me.

Things I have learned in the last 6 months:

  1. Life is hard and even with the best and hardest of helmets, we always seem to feel the hardness of life. 
  2. If you’re a leader and nobody’s following you, you’re just a guy out for a walk. – John Bohener — Completely accurate statement. (I may not agree with him 92% of the time, but in this statement, removed from context, I agree. it is accurate)
  3. Death is never fun. Ever. It is hard and makes every day tasks seem much less relevant to the overall big picture, which can cause other damaging effects.
  4. Death can either devastate a family or bring them closer together. I would like to think that my father’s death brought all of us closer together as we nurse similar wounds that were painful for all of us. We haven’t recovered completely but are working together to support each other. 
  5. Blood really is thicker than water. And sometimes, so is friendship.
  6. My husband is amazing. He has completely stepped up to the nonexistent plate. (although in all fairness, he was stepping up before too)
  7. New normal SUCKS. Feelings of pain hit in large waves and at random intervals when we least expect it, but now they are morphing into pangs of happiness that has a lot of sadness around it because there won’t be times like that again
  8. When I take out all of my extra curricular activities (I suspended all website dev outside of work until the new year; I am no longer in grad school; I am not training for anything and am down for the count due to mysterious knee pain which I will talk more about later), I tend to sit and wallow and become someone going through motions as opposed to attacking life’s challenges with gusto. I am working to correct this, presently.
  9. I am starting to get back into music and making beats and this makes me happy
  10. We all need to watch less tv. It really does rot your brain and make you stupider. I should know, other than work, this is pretty much all I did for the last 5 weeks

Check back soon for more crazy thinks that I think and other updates. More to come in the near future!


The Thinks I Think, Thursday Edition 2

I have thinks. I think them. 

Thanksgiving is one week away. It is normally joyous occasion. Some people look forward to and live for Christmas… my family? We lived for Thanksgiving. My dad’s sister and her family (uncle and two cousins) come down.

Family is amazing, and I love my family :-)

My dad makes the pies and turnovers Wednesday night when family rolls in and Uncle Carl goes right for the turnover. Dad saves Ben a turnover and he and I split one. Then early Thursday morning, I go for a run, come back and start working on toasting and breaking up the bread for the stuffing as my dad buzzes around the kitchen prepping the turkey and the rest of the stuffing. 

My mom takes the dogs for a walk. My uncle reads the papers he brought with him from Philly (cause he is always behind). Jerid sleeps in. Ben heads over at some point during the day as do my cousins. My cousins, Jerid, mom and I get ready to go see a movie while the turkey is in the oven. My uncle settles in for football (and nap time). My brother will read or do work. My dad plays Go on the computer. When the movie is over and we all come back, we annoy each other until dinner is put on the table. 

After dinner and pie, the adults (my parents and my aunt and uncle) settle in for the super bowl of scrabble games. There is yelling and debating about using a timer for turns and all sorts of elbow throwing. And then we all relax for the night. 

Friday is the epic day of Black-ness with Black Friday shopping (yes. we ARE that crazy or were and would head to the mall on the most crowded day of the year).

Friday night was more scrabble or general hang out time and then Saturday was various. 

Sometimes the cousins and I would hit the bars, it really depended. 

This year… THIS YEAR…. is different. This year is the first year without my dad and while I love my family and they are still coming, this year will be harder and different. I dread this year’s holiday because Ben and I will be making the apple pies and the turkey and stuffing. Our family will be there and we will help each other through this whole holiday. It will be ok. I know it will be ok. This is the new normal, but dont they always say the first is the hardest?

Ben and I are making pies on Wednesday as family rolls in (although, I will make one at my mom’s house and my brother will make one at his house and bring it over… and YES I will make turnovers, cause that’s what you do); Thursday morning, I will get up, do my run (maybe I can talk Leah or Sheena into doing it with me) and then I will come home and start on the stuffing. Ben should be coming over at some point in the morning to start prepping the turkey with me; and then my buddy, Rachel is coming over with her baby (who is like… the cutest baby in the world) in the morning to distract people and things. We might see a movie or we might not. There may or may not be a super bowl scrabble game (only time will tell). 

Basically we have the first few parts planned and we will all prolly try and keep it as normal and as close to previous years as possible (although maybe minus friday shopping… hard to say). I will try not to be all depressing and sad like which is why I am writing this today — so I can get out all of the sad talk. 

I have NO words of wisdom about how to handle the first holiday without a loved one, all I have is thoughts and some fear and nervousness.

But I DO have words of wisdom for you on family. Your family (blood relatives and close friends alike) will save you if you ask them, they will help you if you lean on them. And they will love you if you let them :-) 

Good friends are hard to find. Keep them close and let them help you when you need it.


I am terrified about a holiday without my dad, but I am excited about a holiday with a bunch of people who get me and who get what I am going through, because they are all going through it too. And none of us have to be alone. 


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