The Thinks I Think, Edition 3

I have a lot of thoughts and most of them are completely unrelated, so bear with me.

Things I have learned in the last 6 months:

  1. Life is hard and even with the best and hardest of helmets, we always seem to feel the hardness of life. 
  2. If you’re a leader and nobody’s following you, you’re just a guy out for a walk. – John Bohener — Completely accurate statement. (I may not agree with him 92% of the time, but in this statement, removed from context, I agree. it is accurate)
  3. Death is never fun. Ever. It is hard and makes every day tasks seem much less relevant to the overall big picture, which can cause other damaging effects.
  4. Death can either devastate a family or bring them closer together. I would like to think that my father’s death brought all of us closer together as we nurse similar wounds that were painful for all of us. We haven’t recovered completely but are working together to support each other. 
  5. Blood really is thicker than water. And sometimes, so is friendship.
  6. My husband is amazing. He has completely stepped up to the nonexistent plate. (although in all fairness, he was stepping up before too)
  7. New normal SUCKS. Feelings of pain hit in large waves and at random intervals when we least expect it, but now they are morphing into pangs of happiness that has a lot of sadness around it because there won’t be times like that again
  8. When I take out all of my extra curricular activities (I suspended all website dev outside of work until the new year; I am no longer in grad school; I am not training for anything and am down for the count due to mysterious knee pain which I will talk more about later), I tend to sit and wallow and become someone going through motions as opposed to attacking life’s challenges with gusto. I am working to correct this, presently.
  9. I am starting to get back into music and making beats and this makes me happy
  10. We all need to watch less tv. It really does rot your brain and make you stupider. I should know, other than work, this is pretty much all I did for the last 5 weeks

Check back soon for more crazy thinks that I think and other updates. More to come in the near future!

 

The Thinks I Think, Thursday Edition 2

I have thinks. I think them. 

Thanksgiving is one week away. It is normally joyous occasion. Some people look forward to and live for Christmas… my family? We lived for Thanksgiving. My dad’s sister and her family (uncle and two cousins) come down.

Family is amazing, and I love my family :-)

My dad makes the pies and turnovers Wednesday night when family rolls in and Uncle Carl goes right for the turnover. Dad saves Ben a turnover and he and I split one. Then early Thursday morning, I go for a run, come back and start working on toasting and breaking up the bread for the stuffing as my dad buzzes around the kitchen prepping the turkey and the rest of the stuffing. 

My mom takes the dogs for a walk. My uncle reads the papers he brought with him from Philly (cause he is always behind). Jerid sleeps in. Ben heads over at some point during the day as do my cousins. My cousins, Jerid, mom and I get ready to go see a movie while the turkey is in the oven. My uncle settles in for football (and nap time). My brother will read or do work. My dad plays Go on the computer. When the movie is over and we all come back, we annoy each other until dinner is put on the table. 

After dinner and pie, the adults (my parents and my aunt and uncle) settle in for the super bowl of scrabble games. There is yelling and debating about using a timer for turns and all sorts of elbow throwing. And then we all relax for the night. 

Friday is the epic day of Black-ness with Black Friday shopping (yes. we ARE that crazy or were and would head to the mall on the most crowded day of the year).

Friday night was more scrabble or general hang out time and then Saturday was various. 

Sometimes the cousins and I would hit the bars, it really depended. 

This year… THIS YEAR…. is different. This year is the first year without my dad and while I love my family and they are still coming, this year will be harder and different. I dread this year’s holiday because Ben and I will be making the apple pies and the turkey and stuffing. Our family will be there and we will help each other through this whole holiday. It will be ok. I know it will be ok. This is the new normal, but dont they always say the first is the hardest?

Ben and I are making pies on Wednesday as family rolls in (although, I will make one at my mom’s house and my brother will make one at his house and bring it over… and YES I will make turnovers, cause that’s what you do); Thursday morning, I will get up, do my run (maybe I can talk Leah or Sheena into doing it with me) and then I will come home and start on the stuffing. Ben should be coming over at some point in the morning to start prepping the turkey with me; and then my buddy, Rachel is coming over with her baby (who is like… the cutest baby in the world) in the morning to distract people and things. We might see a movie or we might not. There may or may not be a super bowl scrabble game (only time will tell). 

Basically we have the first few parts planned and we will all prolly try and keep it as normal and as close to previous years as possible (although maybe minus friday shopping… hard to say). I will try not to be all depressing and sad like which is why I am writing this today — so I can get out all of the sad talk. 

I have NO words of wisdom about how to handle the first holiday without a loved one, all I have is thoughts and some fear and nervousness.

But I DO have words of wisdom for you on family. Your family (blood relatives and close friends alike) will save you if you ask them, they will help you if you lean on them. And they will love you if you let them :-) 

Good friends are hard to find. Keep them close and let them help you when you need it.

 

I am terrified about a holiday without my dad, but I am excited about a holiday with a bunch of people who get me and who get what I am going through, because they are all going through it too. And none of us have to be alone. 

 

Every Day is a Day in Paradise when you are Above Ground

I have had lots of thinks to think but also, my mind has been completely vacant — if you can have it both ways. I get up each morning, I put on clothes, I go to work, I come home, I sit on the couch and I do a whole lot of nothing. I have waves of intense thought about my dad. These thoughts can include everything from “he would have really liked that scene” to “this holiday season is going to suck (because he won’t be there)”. 

Life is hard. I feel pretty empty yet I absolutely don’t. I struggle to get excited over hugely large and exciting things because my new normal (the “normal” that is without my pop = new normal) is not my old normal and I no longer experience feelings quite like I did. (Once again, if that even makes sense)

I don’t get sad or excited like I used to… not really. Right now, it’s mostly just blah. I am not overly feeling about anything. It is weird. 

My dad used to combine two statements:

Every day is a day in paradise + every day is good when it’s above ground = every day is a day in paradise when you’re above ground.

So we live by this statement.

And those of us in the dead parents’ club… we get each other, we get the new normal that is post parent death.. and we try to comfort each other and be there for each other. Those that aren’t part of the dead parents’ club… shouldn’t join it if they can avoid it and I suppose we could call it the dead immediate family club because it blows no matter who dies… it blows more when it is your parent, sibling, spouse, etc. anyway… new normal. It’s where I live and while I experience happiness and joy and some anger… mostly I experience blah-ness and it’s ok. It just is the underlying feeling.

Retail therapy doesn’t help (believe me, I have tried).

Talking to friends doesn’t always help… some of them don’t get it… some of them brush it off like it aint no thing and some of em get it or try to understand and be supportive. Family has been incredible and the friends that have tried to understand and be supportive have been amazing. 

We are truly lucky to experience the amazing and loving people that are in our lives.

Well…. this post degenerated rapidly into something I wasn’t expecting. Point being, life is good. I am figuring out this new normal and struggling to put words to feelings. Every day is a step forward. :-)

How I Blew Up During MCM (or in other words, my MCM Recap)

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to run the Marine Corps Marathon. The People’s marathon. The marathon that runs through my city, that I have spectated and supported for years. During a marathon, you learn what you’re made of….

When I signed up to run the 39th MCM in Feburary with Washington Humane Society, I did so because of a discussion Kat, Linzie and I had while running the WDW 10k at Disney World in January of 2014. If it hadn’t been for this conversation, I might have waivered.

I was waivering up until July 2014. At the end of June, I was on target to finish my masters in August (and I did), and my husband and I were exploring possible futures. When my father died, everything got put on hold, so I could train and run Marine Corps, for pop who was planning to register as a photog on the course and take pictures and watch me run.

I trained all summer and as we went into September, I was feeling more ready than ever to take on this marathon. I had high hopes for a sub 5 hour marathon and a huge PR at the marathon distance. I was in close contact with my coach, following her instructions to a T. Then the Navy/Air-Force Half Marathon happened…

It was a great race and I did PR, but as with all PRs, they could have been bigger… better…. and I got injured. It was less than pleasant and I believe a large part was because I hadn’t been aligned by a chiropractor in over three years, so my back was WAY out of whack and was a large reason why there was extreme hip imbalances. I was diligent, however, and I listened to my coach, saw a PT and a chiropractor and worked hard to stay in marathon shape, spending hours in the pool and on the bike, continuing with an amended training schedule. Finally got in a solid 20 miler and was like, maybe I can still do this. 20 miles in 3 hours and 50 min. I can nail a sub 5.

So Thursday I went to the expo and picked up my bib and some swag for Linzie and I so we could ensure we got our sizes in the stuff we wanted. I also had the opportunity to meet Janice (another fellow INB ambassador).

Oorah!!!

On Friday, I hung around and teleworked until it was time to go pick Linzie up from the airport and then the REAL fun started! We met up with Emelia at the expo (we went so Linz could get his bib) and headed to dinner at Shop House and then over to Union Station for the Monuments by Moonlight Trolley tour with some other INB ambassadors! It was pretty awesome to experience the sights of DC with people who hadn’t seen them before! 

On Sunday, we run with the marines and experience dc as only runners will.

 

On Saturday morning, Linzie and I went to the bRUNch and had a phenomenal time! We did a quick 5k shakeout and ate some breakfast while chatting it up with Bart Yasso.

Eating all of the things after a 5k shakeout!

 

Linzie and I milled about DC with some of his friends who drove up from Richmond and then went back to my house to put our feet up and relax before the marathon 

linz-me

Me and Linzie, watching Pitch Perfect and hydrating! Photo courtesy of SharpEndurance

 

On Sunday morning, I woke up at 4:30 am to get ready to run Marine Corps Marathon. We were meeting my friend Leanne at the metro by my brother’s house to head to the start together. Leanne (for some ungodly reason) decided to run the marathon with me. Linz was going to try and PR so he went up to start with the 4:45 pace group. We were starting with the 5 hour pace group.

startline-mcm

Us at the start of MCM — Photo courtesy of Leanne

The howitzer cannon might have gone off promptly at 7:55, but we didn’t actually start moving forward and running until 8:15 or 8:20. We were off, and headed further into Arlington. I was told not to burn out on the first 3 miles because they were gradual uphill and to be aware of that. We took it easy during the first 10k as we went into Georgetown. We proceeded through Georgetown and into the rest of DC and down Rock Creek. I was fine until we got onto Haines Point and around mile 12, I saw the photogs taking pics up above us and it made me think of my dad and how he was supposed to be there. And I looked at Leanne and told her it was too early for this shit.

As we moved around Haines Point and around Independence Ave, I could feel pains creeping in on the inside of my lower left calf. At mile 16, I started getting concerned. Leanne told me I needed to let my shit go, have a cry and move the hell on cause we had a marathon to finish. I told her to go on without me. (she is really speedy) She said hell no. She was going to give me a piggy back across the finish line before she was going to leave me. At mile 18, I called my husband, who was at work and told him what was going on with me emotionally and mentally. He told me Leanne was right, I needed to cry it out but that he knew I could finish this marathon. As we ran down and past the capitol building, she asked me why I couldn’t just have it out. I looked at her and told her I couldn’t cry in front of such a badass because she was a bad ass; and she was like “what, you think I don’t cry?” Then we had real confessions and found Sheena just after mile 19, where she hopped in and ran with us. 

We beat the bridge with 45-50 minutes to spare, but the bridge was tough and I still hadn’t had the relief that crying would have given me. My wall lasted 8 hellish miles. Leanne pulled me along through to Crystal City where we saw my brother, future sister in law and buddies, Anh, Aaron and Will. They had made signs and Anh had brought me shot blocks (I forgot an extra pack). When I saw Ben, I almost started bawling and wanted to give him a giant hug… but I didn’t because, yknow, we aren’t huggers… and I was sweaty. My brother actually came out to support me! Anyway, we motored along through Crystal City and saw Gail and Tony around mile 23.

mcm-mile22

Sheena, in blue, Leanne in pink and me in the flag at mile 23

My demons wouldn’t leave me though. I was having a rough time and when we hit mile 24, Leanne looked at me and said Becca, it is 2 shitty little miles, come on. Let’s do this! My mouth said yes, my legs said ok, but my brain… my brain told me to f*ck myself because as far as it was concerned, we were walking, damnit. 

When we got to mile 25.5, Leah jumped out of nowhere and started running with us also! I had an entourage as we approached the finish where we saw my mom jumping up and down and cheering for me. Side note, she was so adorable cheering and our family friend, Barbara Lanzer was there too. 

me-finishhill

photo courtesy of Barbara

I kicked up the hill then tuckered out less than 100 yards before the finish, giving a half-hearted and defeated jog to the end.

I was definitely surprised that what ended up defeating me was my mental demons and not my injuries. 

Now for the fun section. 

Things I Have Learned and Could Have Done Better (or what I would change for next time)

  1. Calculated my nutrition correctly (which I didn’t. I only brought 2 of the 3 shot block packs I needed, and as Sheena can attest, when anything happens in the negative way, it mind f’s me… even when I had it covered and got extra shot blocks and everything, I just couldn’t let it ride)
  2. Not gotten so introverted and stuck in my head, which is WAY easier said than done. One thing goes wrong and I get mind f-ed or in this case, I realize that I miss my dad. The missing of him comes in waves and it can be completely untimely. Basically, I need to learn to shake it off.
  3. Listened to Leanne and sucked it up or let her carry me next time :-P
  4. During my training, I am going to do the 20 miler and a 22 miler (my schedule called for 20 miles and a 20 or 22 miler, I did the 20 miles instead of 22). While I followed my schedule, when given an option I did less rather than more, and mentally, I wasn’t as top notch as I could have been, so I will learn from this and make it work.
  5. Complain less. When I complain less, I do better and shake things off better. Period, end of story.

People I couldn’t have done this marathon training cycle without: 
My husband, first and foremost, and my mom. Both have been incredibly supportive of the early mornings, the injuries and the whining.

Sheena and Leanne for their constant support during training and during the race. OMG these two ladies have been so amazing. Sheena rode her bike during my long and really tough runs and Leanne, my god, this tiny lady kept threatening to piggy back my through the race if necessary. hehe 

Linzie and his words of encouragement! I cannot believe I got to share this amazing weekend with you! It was incredible to share this amazing weekend with you; I suspect there will be several more marathon weekends together! SO MUCH FUN! 

My other friends and family, virtual and otherwise: Leah who showed up out of nowhere to run with and support me! It was a boost! My cousins and extended family who were tracking me and following me and texting me as well as the rest of my running buddies and friends who were cheering me on via text and facebook! Everyone has been so amazing.

The crowd support during the race was off the hook. I definitely plan to run this marathon again. And to never run the Disney marathon again (Disney does not even hold a candle to MCM). 

At one point during the race, I asked Leanne why the hell people chose to run marathons? and she said because, it challenges you and shows you what you’re made of. This is so true. That is why I signed up…everytime, to see what I was made of and if I could do it. The marathon distance breaks you if you let it. But when it does, it is all a question of whether you can get back out there and make shit go right at some point. Sunday was a challenge and my mental demons definitely beat me, but I still finished and Leanne’s and my friendship is still intact despite my negative attitude during the second half of the marathon. 

and I after the marathon. Today was hard fought as my dad was going to be a photog and come out for support today. I hit a huge wall at mile 18 and struggled to get past it. Thanks for cheering me on, everybody! Today, I did this for my dad

Linzie and me, post-marathon

 

Have you run a marathon? Were you beaten down or did you overcome the mental blocks?

 

The Thinks I Think: Thursday, edition 1

Hey! Go out there and get the life you want; it's out there!

 

I posted this picture to Instagram this morning. I believe whole-heartedly in the message and everything about it, right down to the smiling open-mouthed goofy ass grin I have. I took some time away from my blog and from various social media platforms for a few reasons. 1) I needed a break. I was annoying myself with my inane droning on and on about things. 2) I thought I might have to pull out from MCM after the Navy/Air-Force Half, and I really wanted to focus on stuff, listen to my coach and not take in any unnecessary distractions from anything or anyone. 3) I was going through some things that I thought would be life-changing but ended up pulling the plug at the last minute because I was no longer comfortable with the situation (which I felt was going to be hostile) that was going to occur once I got to the other side. You pick your battles and after the shittastic year that I have had, I really decided I didn’t have it in me to pick up, do battle, and come out on the other side relatively unscathed. yknow, that listening to your gut thing. I did that for once and feel pretty good about it. 4) I applied to run Boston with Tedy’s team and I did not make the cut. And I wanted to rethink my race schedule and some of my running goals for 2015.

After this time off, this morning on my morning metro ride, I got to thinking about what I was doing when I took the time off to recharge my batteries, and the conclusion I came to was that “I am making moves to make my life MORE kick ass” BAM! 

I will run Marine Corps Marathon this weekend. It is going to be EPIC! My buddy, Linzie, over at SharpEndurance is coming to DC to run MCM and spend the weekend wandering around DC with me! :-D I could not be more thrilled over here! He was someone I was fortunate enough to meet at a runDisney event and we have been in contact since then, numerous times so when the opportunity to spend some quality time with him came up this weekend, I jumped at the chance! I am going to the expo this afternoon and then picking Linzie up tomorrow. We have a semi-meetup happening with some other InkNBurn ambassadors that are coming in to run MCM at a trolley tour and will do the bRUNch on saturday and the race Sunday! My ragnar teammate (from both trails and road) will be cruising with me during the race also. I won’t be running as fast as I was training for because I have had to switch to intervals to be able to achieve the 26.2 mile distance this weekend. But it is going to be AMAZING!

With that being said. I have done a lot of thinking and not making tedy’s team for Boston was kind of a big blow at first. I wanted to do something as a tribute for my father, but yknow what, I really need a break from distances over 16 miles for right now and I need to reassess my strength and build some more of it. I will be running RnR DC in March and we are pulling together a Ragnar Trails WV team, but I think that is my list so far for Spring 2015. I am hoping to run Cherry Blossom ten miler again, but that all depends on if I get in the lottery or not :-).

Since completing my Masters degree in Software Engineering (yes, I am proud of that) in August (2 months ago), I have taken a step back from a lot of sidework and taken the extra time to learn to relax. Yes, I said LEARN to relax. I don’t remember how to do it, but I am slowly working on it and it is going well!

What are you up to this weekend? Are you going to come check out Marine Corps Marathon and cheer runners on? Are you running? Or, do you just get frustrated because a lot of the roads in dc shut down for this Sunday each year? Lemme know what you are thinking!

HAPPY MARINE CORPS MARATHON WEEKEND Y’ALL!!!!

Navy/Air Force Half Marathon

A few months ago, I decided to sign up for the Navy/Air Force Half. This was my first half marathon since the RnR DC half back in March. Since I am deep into marathon training, this was a good way to get in some miles and keep the motivation up! Plus it helped that I wore this shirt the night before:

When I feel sad, I stop and be awesome instead! My pop hooked me up w this shirt! Hopefully, while I'm out racing/running, it inspires you to be awesome!

It was a happy reminder of my dad and he used to tell me to do this regularly. 

Anyway, so I spoke with my coach a couple of weeks before and switched my long run to Sunday, having Saturday off, which was good because I got something resembling food poisoning or an intestinal like stomach bug on Thursday night – IT WAS TERRIBLE. I was up most of the night on Thursday, in the bathroom. Thank god I was scheduled to work from home on Friday! Anyway, so my weekend started out somewhat less than pleasantly. Fast forward through Friday to Saturday where I am mostly recovered, but my stomach still felt slightly off and I was working hard to catch up on sleep. My mom decided to come to the race expo with me, because she hadn’t been down to nats stadium and the waterfront in SE since they started building it all up! We had a fun little adventure; we drove down to where I work, and parked there and took the metro a few stops over to Navy yard-Stadium on the green line. When we got there people had already lined up and were waiting. Apparently, unlike many other larger races, the Navy/Air Force half doesn’t assign bib numbers beforehand, which can cause some confusion and slowing of packet pickup, but overall not as much of a cluster as it could have been. My mom and I each got on a packet line and raced to the front (she won). 

mommy

Candid shot of my mom, racing me in line :-)

Anyway, we blew through packet pick up and went back home to take the dogs to the vet and relax. I spent the day praying my stomach would right itself. We cleaned a lot too. My husband got his office set up, we moved a fold out couch into his office among other things. He spent most of the evening in his newly set up office and I spent it watching reruns on our couch in the other room. I had 16 miles to complete the following morning and initially was going to get up and run the 2.9 before the race, but decided against it. I went to bed early with my clothes laid out and an extra shirt packed for the extra miles I had planned on doing following the race. 

On Sunday morning, I woke up at 4:23am (don’t ask, for some reason I have an OCD thing about getting up at __:30 or __:00 or any number ending in 5). I snuggled with my pug for a bit and checked my phone, like all good computer geeks do and then proceeded to get up and get dressed. When I went to let the dogs out, I realized the dark portion of the morning was a little chillier than anticipated which would have made for excellent running weather but not so awesome for waiting around weather. So I grabbed a sweater and some arm sleeves for the start of the race. 

I drove downtown and parked at work. And hung out in my car for a few mins before headed to the start line. I got over to the start around 6:45 and realized I really needed to go to the bathroom. The line for the port-a-potties was pretty long and the race was starting at 7:10, although quite a few people thought it was starting at 7am. Anyway, I made it to the port-a-potty and back out to the start line. By the time we were starting, I had already stripped off the arm sleeves and tucked them into the back of my capris for the race.

me-start

Me, at the start line.

The race started promptly at 7:10am and it took me a solid 2 mins to get to the start, because like at all other races, people think it is a good idea to walk across the start… Anyway, it was bunched up at the start like at all other races. So I tried to get out to the side and find my groove. I started out going like 9:38 and then slowed down to 9:58.

Miles 1-5, I started running and was going pretty strong and when I checked my watch at the first beep, I was like whoa! 9:58, sweet! but I don’t think I can hold this for 13 miles… can I? As I continued to motor along, I managed to hold the pace around 10mm, and was thinking I might PR, like MASSIVELY and then had the follow up thought of let’s not get ahead of ourselves… there is a lot of race left. 

Miles 6-7, I hung in there and held on to my 10 mm average. 

Miles 8-10, my mileage times started to creep up slowly but surely. First, 10:13, then 10:32, then 10:58.

Mile 11-12 were between 11:11 and 11:30. I had to stop and stretch my left calf which was getting tight. (my right one started getting tight on haines point during the Cherry Blossom ten miler).

Miles 13 and 0.1 (really 0.37), I sucked it up and found SOMEthing left to finish the race up. I ended up improving my old 1/2 marathon time by 8 minutes! My old PR, from RnR DC half was 2:27:xx and I finished the NAF Half on Sunday in 2:19:07!!! WOOOO!!!

medal

my Navy/Air Force Half medal

8 min PR  now to head home and do 2.9 more miles!   (was on target for 12 min pr but crapped out at mile 10)

Me after the race, with an 8 min PR!

I was beating myself up for a bit following the race because I was on target during the first 7 miles for a 12 min PR and I lost 4 minutes during miles 8-12 :-(  and I was mostly beating myself up because i KNOW I could have done better.

BUT you win some you lose some right?

Lessons learned: stop beating yourself up!

Did you race this past weekend? When was your last shiny new PR? How did it feel? Do you ever beat yourself up when you don’t live up to your own harsh standards?

Techy Tuesday!

Hey guys, I am interested in starting a Tech Tuesday type post every week, answering some of your tech questions, whether it be about wordpress, blogger, HTML, CSS, Drupal, Javascript, jQuery, PHP or anything else you might be able to think of! You may have seen me on your other neighborhood friendly blogs scratchin out some mad wordpress themes for Kat and Linzie among others!

I do have a masters in Software Engineering and Cyber Security and would love to just generally help some peeps out with my big brain!

I am a web developer and IT Specialist during the day (been in the computer nerd game for over 9 years), so I figure I should be able to provide you with recommendations, guidance and so on. So, let me know what you would like to see, whether it be a post on how to go self-hosted (or a series of posts on that), how to get a wordpress menu set up, whatever the case may be. Hit me with your questions!

until I get questions, I will just put all of these memes here…

and if this totally bombs and nobody wants my knowledge or has any questions at first, maybe I will just pick a topic to feature! Ok, lemme know!

In other news, come back and all of that. And if you are bored and want to help a sister out, go over here and make a donation to help the puppies and the kitties! We are $191 from goal!

If you want more insanity, feel free to find me on twitterfacebookinstagram, or pinterest 

Weekly OM, or something like it.

in case you don’t know yet, this is me:      

me

me, in my awesome INB

I like to run and I occasionally have beers. I had just driven into our Ragnar trails campsite and was handed a beer. Good times. Anyway, as I rapidly approach this weekend and my first 20 miler in this cycle of marathon training, I thought it would be good to do a post on all of my awesome running buddies. 

These are my running friends and I am thankful for EVERY last one of them:

From left to right: Leanne, me, Jenn, Gail, Leah, Tony, Shana

This was my awesome ragnar trails team. These 6 people have been with me on two separate Ragnars and hopefully for many more as they are a ton of fun, awesome at support and amazing humans in general.

As was our WHOLE Ragnar DC team:

ragnar-dc

Starting on bottom left: Leanne, Shana, Sheena, Gail, Jenn, Allison Upper left: me, Kyle, Andrew, Ben, Tony

Anyway, you will see some duplicates as we go on here. 

gail

Hey everyone, I know you’ve seen Gail, but I want yall to meet her! This was right before the Reston 10 Miler, this year. She has been on numerous long runs with me, been caught in rain storms with me and generally entertained me. We have known each other for a very very long time, always being some kind of active together and while we don’t always agree, we are always there for each other.

leah

this is Leah. She has been an incredible support during this marathon training cycle. Getting up early on saturdays, surviving the heat and humidity, listening to me whine. heh I have mentioned her before, but yknow, I am lucky to have her around and willing to run with me.

Somehow managed to convince  to show up at 5:30am and run the first 4 of my long run today. Wooooooooo!!!

This is Sheena. Sheena is a mother f-ing trooper. She gets up at 5am on weekdays to RUN. WITH ME. when I make her :-) — She has been great. On my last long run (18 miles), she ran the first 5 with me and then rode really slowly next to me for the next 13. AWESOME!

Had buddy and remy w me for 10 of my 16 miles. Grateful for company.

This is Rachel (and Remy). Rachel isn’t so much a runner, but she is a becca supporter. She and her four legged pal have voluntarily accompanied me on a long run and plan to do it again this training cycle! Totally jazzed to have people willing to get up and meet me in the nasty hot heat for some miles on a SATURDAY morning!

Anyway, this is a mere glimpse of the running buddies I have here. One of them moved away to California for making her get up and run with me at 5am :-) Just kidding. Michelle moved across country to get away from the humidity :-)

Anyway, I am thankful. What are you thankful for?

 

 

Sometimes I Feel Like a Dick

Sometimes I feel like a dick and sometimes I don’t. Right now, we are going to discuss the times I do. My social skills consist of abrasiveness, honesty, and a whole host of other things most people find less than endearing. It’s just who I am.

Do I have tact? Yea. Do I know how to use it? Yes. Do I use it? No. Often times, I feel like I can be more easily misinterpreted or my words can be more easily misconstrued when I sugar coat things. It’s just who I am. I have statistics to back this up (#nolie) 

This is of course 72% untrue. What do I mean by the 72% untrue bit?  

Am I these things? Yes. But I do sugar coat stuff for people, often more times than I would care to. In my head though, this is WAY more true. And sometimes some of those unabridged, completely raw thoughts slip out and shock me and others.

Also, my lack of sugar coating could mean we’ve just met and I don’t care. For example, on my way out of an event yesterday, I was saying good bye to everyone and someone said nice meeting you and I was like yea, same to you, but I got shit to do. This person was taken aback by my dickishness. Now, with that being said, that wasn’t even my REAL dickishness, that was just the fun and lovable becca my friends have come to know (and in theory, love. I mean, they put up with me…for now).

Moving into the friend-zone, I am also an over analyzer.

This factors into my being a dick. Sometimes when I am a dick (or when I think I am a dick), especially to people I care about, I find myself analyzing and over-analyzing again and again, interactions that I otherwise would not have thought twice about. Hehe. But I also know that I am not alone in this. Many of us do something (doesn’t have to be you being a dick), and then fixate on it, wondering if it was the right thing to do or if we could have done something slightly different that would have provided the desired outcome and still been within our ethical and moral standards. (hell, as we speak, i am prolly editing this post because i am overanalyzing…)

So with my unique talent, I constantly replay and overanalyze my actions and statements and regularly apologize for things, like speaking my mind. I then get into arguments with myself a fair amount of the time because I don’t think I should have to apologize but then apologize anyway. and then I wonder if, by apologizing, I am doing the right thing. 

To give you a stellar example of overanalyzing stuff (refer to top of post… and how i overanalyze things or continue reading) something that just happened. All of the people in my facebook feed are posting pics of their kids going back to school because in VA, today is the start of school! They are all adorable! But to participate, I posted a pic of my dog from when he was so little to now 3.5 years old to participate in the theme filling my feed… the theme of “They’re growing up so fast”. It amused me, but now I am spending time over analyzing whether people will get offended. IS THAT HOW LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE?! 

it even got to the point where an old boss and friend told me he KNOWS I overthink things! HAH!

I would love to stop, but can’t manage to and I think it is because I am scared to not be prepared for ALL OF THE THINGS. <insert sigh here>

Easier said than done….

plan b — continue to overanalyze and DEMAND EUPHORIA!

but of course: 

so I digress and I move on to my second round of over analyzing :-) If you need me, I will be in my cave. 

 

 

Weekly Om: Pop. Small Things. And Other Topics I wanted to Throw in There

yknow what. I know this is my weekly om and I am supposed to give 5 things I am grateful or thanksful for because yknow, it is a good reminder for me and for others to be thankful for the big and the little things. But shit, y’all. I am just grateful in general. Happy to be alive and happy to be here. When I wrote about my father’s death, I wrote about things I learned, and we all know I learned more than just those things, but those seemed the most important at the time.

Things I know that I cannot change: My pop will never see my brother get married; he wont/didnt see me graduate from grad school; he will never meet his grandkids; he wont be there to tell my mother (who is retired) to take a break (from her 2-4 jobs at any given time); he wont be there to sit with my husband and watch soccer; he isnt there to embarrass and make fun of me anymore and god knows, I didnt have enough time to return the favor and embarrass him…

But he did teach me, and many others, to STOP waiting and START doing. Never say WISH, SHOULD, or TRY. Say I WILL. and just DO.

<insert power song here>

 

My mom is actually talking about set dates when she may take trips (trips she has been talking about for YEARS). My brother actually calls my mom more regularly now — on the first occurrence of this, I actually asked him what he wanted and he said “can’t a son call his mother?” and I said “yea, but you don’t… without a purpose” (hehe color me amused). There have even been changes in my dog, who stopped getting on the couch for a while after pop’s death. These are just small examples of things people have started DOING and stopped just merely talking about. Some of my friends have commented about what my pop’s death has shown them: that you gotta live life and stop watching it on the sidelines. 

It’s funny cause he couldn’t tell people that enough… that you gotta live life for RIGHT NOW. 

Anyway, I am just thankful. I have great friends, kick ass family, and awesome big things happening! 

Cheers!

because everyone can relate to the lyrics in this song. (if you’re a runner, this is the perfect song for mile 24 of your first marathon!)

pretty much any Rage Against the Machine song should get you off your ass, doing, instead of just talking… so YEA that.

and I will leave you with this final song from Queen Bey herself because for anyone out there, even though I know the song is called Run the World (Girls), it is gonna get EVERYONE out there believing they can do anything. (makes your run faster too) 

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