DNF-ing. As runners, ultra or otherwise, we know that DNF stands for Did Not Finish. It is the ultimate face slap of epic shame… or is it? Since entering the ultracommunity, and honestly the trail running community in general, DNF-ing has become much more a reality for me than it ever was in road running.

In road running, I never DNF-ed… ever. There were a few races where I was just to hungover to start (real talk)….but never any I didn’t finish. Since entering the trail and ultra community there have been a handful I have either DNF-ed or I have dropped down to lower mileage options for various reasons. Trails are hard.

But today, after an especially interesting and trying day, I got to thinking about DNF-ing and the general term and sense of it. I mean, if we are being completely honest here, when I woke up, I was hit with a facebook post from 5 yrs ago about a launch at NASA Kennedy Space Center that I had the pleasure of taking my father to… he passed away 7 months later on July 5, 2014.  He basically DNF-ed life. Going out in an epic fashion, while riding his bike along the Virginia Beach coast. He had a heart event and was found by a DR and a nurse, literally couldn’t have asked for better people to find him… but by the time he was found, his lips were blue… he was just done for…. shitty as that is. (FYI: No, I have never discussed or revealed this much about how my father passed, aside from it being yknow… sudden)..

And then I got to thinking… what if we thought of all deaths as DNFs… then that phrase that Last Horse Runners and Ultrarunningmemes puts out about “Death before DNF” would take on a whole new meaning… I mean, homie is dead and legit DNF-ed life. He did not finish life as we know. Did he live it up? yea, fuck yea. Did he do it his way? abso-fucking-lutely. But he still DNF-ed life. it was legit Death before not finishing — hard not to crack a little bit of a smile.

Hang with me through the rest of my ramblings, I promise I have an ultimate point…

Following that thought up… I DNF-ed my marriage. I did not finish my marriage. It ended in June of 2017. Rightly so. We are better friends than partners, but the fact of the matter is, it was a gruesome and slightly ugly beginning to an end and while it isn’t my story to share (I still respect my former spouse enough not to blast his shit all over the interwebs), I will say that it was a HARD DNF. There was no death involved, aside from the death of a marriage…. But, is it really so shameful to not speak of divorce? I avoided it for over 6 months in that first year, merely alluding to it…. why is it so shameful? It happens, sometimes people aren’t good fits for the people they choose. They live, they learn, they move on….

So back to running… DNFs are RARELY talked about. Like… rarely. 

It’s weird… I posted about my latest DNF and when I hit “Share” there was a minor amount of panic and a whole lot of shame and anger. WHY. I know that ultimately we set out to finish everything we start… I mean, if you’re a decent human you do… but something that is always preached in business is that failure happens and that you learn from failures.

Some of the biggest successes come from some of the biggest failures… So why in the fuck as a community are we so obsessed with DNF-ing and shit? Is it because of ultrasignup results? Is it because people look down on you? WHAT IS IT?

Is it the shame? Let’s talk about this for a minute… Shame is a very real thing and is associated with all sorts of not finishing (aside from the ACTUAL death bit… because dead peeps prolly don’t have much feeling… let’s be real.. the funerals are for the live people the dead peeps leave behind but I digress…). Back to shame. Its very very real. I know some people have come out lately talking about DNF-ing in the ultra community… Michelle has, so has Run Bum has recently as well. But I think MORE in the community need to discuss it. I think MORE people need to hear about Not Finishing and how that is way fucking ok.

Is it optimal? Fuck no.

But is it ok? Fuck yes. It’s called life. And guess what? A little secret from me to you… LIFE. HAPPENS.

Is it graceful? No.
Are there ugly cries? Fuck yes…
I mean unless you’re a robot… then debatable…

Idunno. I guess I get so pissed off with people getting obsessed with times and if you have done x race or finished in this time… it seems like people forget the reason they are out there on the trails altogether… which is for any number of reasons… for me, it’s because I have something to prove to myself. I love a challenge, and every time that I can not only physically best, but also mentally best a new trail, a new distance, a new combo of the two, I feel like a fucking rockstar.

via GIPHY

So with all of that being said, and don’t get me wrong, the trail community is INCREDIBLY supportive, do you think we could talk a little more openly about DNF-ing and how it isn’t so shameful.

Some days, we are on point, and some days just aren’t our days.