It’s been a bit of a rough summer. (FYI, this is gonna be long af…) And I really love winning, but haven’t felt like I have been winning for a hot minute…

If you have been reading along for a while, you know that I am not much for feelings, at least on the surface. I will spout out things that have happened in a factual nature and largely share, what seems to be, almost anything… save for feelings. Sharing those leave you open and vulnerable to all sorts of things. 

We tend to assume that sharing feelings can only lead to a world of hurt, because that is what we tend to focus on and remember. We don’t focus on the fact that sharing feelings has gotten us hugs or positive reinforcement or anything of that nature… no, what we remember is that one time we shared those feelings, we got burned completely and utterly by that one special someone. Maybe they laughed when we shared in-depth feelings, making us feel like our feelings didn’t matter. And maybe in turn, that caused us to wall off everyone and everything…. hesitating to let anyone else in. Then you meet someone you think is special. They convince you they are worthy, you say ok, and flood gates open and you scare them off… because you’re too intense (I wouldn’t know anything about this… at all… because HAH I am not that person… <sigh> *hangs head in shame* I am totally that person…) … fucking feelings….

Anyway, it’s been a bit of a rough 18 months. A while back my marriage ended, and getting things sorted with that has been a lot of effort, which is fine, it’s been amicable and everything is ok. Moving on from that has been a challenge. I haven’t really spoken openly about this and who knows… I might delete this paragraph before I ever post this… but anyway, it hasn’t been a challenge because there was divorce. Jerid and I are great as friends, just not so great as partners. Joss is fine and well taken care of and very loved from all angles. We are moving forward as a unit. 

I mean that moving on from the state of marriage and constant level of support has been a challenge so when I start to date someone new (which hasn’t been that frequently, I am def not so great at dating), I tend to blow up my own spot within a few weeks, by overwhelming people. I have no idea how to take things at a pace that is normal for dating… I am like “OH SHIT! I LIKE YOU! 0-60 all in!”

Add to this that professionally, things have been less than ideal. And I spend 80% of my week at work. Of the other 20%, I would say 13% is spent with Joss and she is amazing, despite entering this 3yo state… she has been sassy since she was 18 mo old, so nothing new to report there, she’s just awesome. Of the remaining 7%, about 3% is spent on running, 2% on coding and spinning, and 2% on relationships (friendships, current flavor of the week, etc).

And, so, with this breakdown, I can tell you, for sure, and with absolute certainty, that I have not been winning in about 83% of my life… 80% jobs, 1% running – fucking watches are nuttier than I am, 2% relationships…. SOOOOOO let’s focus on what I can focus on….

The running watches — I have been running with a Suunto 9 Baro and a Garmin Fenix 5S Plus. I traded in the 5s I had for the 5s plus after doing 3 factory resets and none of them making the GPS tracking any more accurate… So running with the Suunto and the 5s plus, I have run with them for about 5 trail runs and only 1 of the 5 were they both matching in distance, elevation, etc… the other 4 times… the Suunto has been approximately 0.6-0.8 off of the 5s Plus and the 5s Plus has been about 0.2-0.45 off from what the trail map says it should be… I understand that tree canopy covering can impact GPS accuracy but holy shit…this is significant. After reading dcrainmaker’s review on suunto and garmin, I have come up with a few solutions I plan to try. So I will see what I can make go right and report back. I know what you all are wondering….

LOL The answer is no… I did NOT die just because my watches were jacked… but if they didn’t record accurately DID IT EVEN HAPPEN?!?!

Ok… got the easiest 1% out of the way… now I guess to address the other 2%… what can I say aside from what I already have? I am intense and come on strong and should come with a disclaimer. I have been hurt and I have hurt others. I struggle to let people in and risk getting hurt again (who deosn’t). And I require constant reassurance these days from people as my confidence is shot to shit.

Don’t get me wrong, I am awesome AF…. Tons of fun and generally happy. But if I am being honest and admitting my feelings, I lack the confidence of someone who is as awesome as I am. Which I realize this is all very… contradictory… I sound less than humble LOL but yknow truthfully, my last relationship damn near took all I had. It cut deeper than I have been willing to admit to anyone, even myself and as I type this, I realize I may regret admitting this to the entire internet…. but c’est la vie. I am nothing if not honest. So there is a lot to work through and while I have made great strides, I am def still a hot fucking mess…

BUT, even being a hot fucking mess, I am STILL lucky to have the support of my friends and family who tolerate all of my off the wall crazy bat shit insanity. Mostly, this is handled through constant communication. I love the fact that I have surrounded myself with very real and honest people. I have tried my best to push out the bad people and bring in close, those that seem to push positive and high vibes.

With that being said, I have this incredible group of people who tend to listen to and deal with my rambling… somehow without punching me in the face or getting too frustrated. No clue how they do it. Some I see for hours at a time each week and others are the kind of people you pick up the phone and it’s like no time has passed. Some are the random internet friends that I both have and haven’t met in person… I know I will get major flack from some of them for putting my shit on blast. But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t trip head first into my own shit show (with all the style and grace of a wrecking ball…) and they wouldn’t be them if they didn’t give me tons of shit.

So hence title of this post… on those days when you just can’t win or don’t feel like you can win…. what do you do? 

I tend to focus on things I can control. Where I am running next. What I am running next. Where I am taking Joss this weekend. What I am doing to better my situations, etc. And sometimes I focus on overwhelming the people in my life… lucky them. or yknow…maybe they aren’t so lucky… who knows. Many can’t hack it and end up leaving. <shrug> The ones that can handle it… they are lifers! lol. <sigh> 

I try to focus on how lucky I am and how good I have it. That often helps. 

This def spiraled into something that I didn’t anticipate at all and I wish it hadn’t but I wouldn’t be being true to myself if I didn’t hit that publish button… so here goes.