Has your 2017 sucked?
Awwwww poor baby…. has your 2017 sucked? Did you get hurt (emotionally or physically)? Get a divorce or break up with that one special person you thought was your person? Lose someone (to disagreement or death)? Get fired? or maybe you’re still sad about the 2016 election and “you just can’t” with the country anymore because of the shit show and omg 2017 SUCKED… well, I am here to deliver one amazingly awesome message to you that will make it ALL better!
GET OVER IT. Everyone had SOMEthing happen and maybe 2017 wasn’t your year (2017 wasn’t a lot of people’s years..)… hell, let’s be real, maybe the last 5 years haven’t been YOUR years… and so you haven’t been putting yourself out there…
You are one day closer to dying every day that you aren’t living…. So if you aren’t putting yourself out there (metaphorically or physically or whatever) then what are you waiting for?!
Being afraid is not a good excuse. And let’s be real the other shit you told yourself — “I’m not ready”, “I can’t”, “I don’t know how”, “I am emotionally not there” — are all excuses. You can get ready, you really can do whatever, you can learn, and if you try and maybe even accept a little help, you can get there emotionally… But what is really holding you back is fear… (aside: if you guessed, that I am not only pep talking you but myself also, then you guessed correct!)
Courage is what is needed and when you find courage it’s because you decide that whatever you’re going after is more important than your fears… so when will you make the choice that living a truly full life is more important than fear? (fearing pain, fearing vulnerability, fearing feelings, fearing spiders, whatevs — hell, you could be afraid of HAPPINESS) — yeeeeaaaaa I am still working on sacking up and shoving the fear down… sooooo not there but working on it!
How this post came about? I was talking to a friend of mine who I have come to hold near and dear to my heart and she was telling me of a current dilemma and how she couldn’t get her hopes up because she couldn’t take another let down this year and my statement back to her was something along the lines of “2017 was shit times 92, so I get it; but fuck, we could die tomorrow so we might as well put ourselves out there today” and her response was “yeah, good fucking point” — Now, I recount this conversation because after having it, I realized that this was totally something that I have been doing. I have been putting things off because I wasn’t ready or because I was scared or because I “hadn’t found me again” yet… now, if you know me, you know I have seen several life changes this year and I have handled it better than previous times of negative change, when my dad died… definitely not gracefully this go round but yknow handled it better because I have been trying to change the way I operate and handle things.
I started doing this whole open and honest communication thing which was great until it backfired leaving me over here to the left and other people closing themselves off to me over there on the right because I am intense and oh hey, I guess they didn’t get the memo which is totally ok because I am intense and while I tried to say it, maybe I wasn’t believed bc how can I be intense (LOL) when im really chill and shit… but in all honesty, I also ignored (read: WAS CLOSED OFF) things these people were saying too because it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. (And this isnt me saying the open honest communication thing didn’t work — this is me saying I was speaking openly and honestly but I wasn’t willing to receive the open and honest communication these other people were trying to give me…. sound familiar?)
Point is, we ALL do this. We ALL close off to things, whether it be people (for whatever reason) or statements that we don’t want to hear or opportunities that we turn down because it isnt the right time or the right place or the RIGHT opportunity… Idunno, I guess I finally adopted the idea of truly saying fuck it and jumping in with both feet. Because either you’re all in on this life thing or you aren’t. I think I am choosing all in…
So… did I go through a shit ton of intense stuff this year? yes. It was really intense.
Did I have some friends that helped get me through? FUCK YEA I DID!
Am I healing? Yes, slowly.
Have I looked at what I was doing in that situation that caused pain and heartache? yes.
I have worked on changing what I was doing that was making my situation worse and have been working towards changing that. I would say I took my first “public” step at changing my shit when I sent out an email in late November to some people talking about feelings. It was gross. I had to touch feels, and I made this face the whole time:
I am not a feelings person, but that is one of my biggest downsides. I don’t express feelings… I normally just state facts and surface level items that aren’t that hard to sort out to begin with; keeps shit simple. People don’t get to know in-depth becca and I keep everyone at what seems like an arm’s length.
Lately, in the last few months, I have taken to pulling in people and bringing them in close and trying to be my true self and not only me be ok with me, but present me as myself and hope they are ok with me and accept that if they don’t like me then it’s ok, I am still me, and I am not changing because I spent a lot of time hiding who I really was and eventually lost myself. And yknow if they share and want to let me in, then awesome, I WILL (and have actually been able to do this) accept THEM for who they are <– something I have known was a thing for a long time but have only recently started to practice.
I used to force my ideals and expectations on people and project onto them what I thought they should be. And no lie, I sometimes still do it (someone might have pointed that out to me recently too…calling me on my shit… always). I am WORKING on it. Takes time to change habits, both of projection onto others and of yknow… just being me, realizing, admitting and addressing feelings (vomit) and all. So following this line of thinking, this doesn’t mean I don’t get upset with people or people’s actions but it does mean that I try to piece together whether it is something they are actually doing or whether it is an expectation I have set for them without their knowledge 😛
Something else I recently came to terms with… it’s ok if you need to drop people from your life. Some people are meant to come in as guest stars for a few episodes and some people are meant to be recurring characters in the shit show that is your (and my) life. So yknow if someone is doing something that doesn’t fit in with what you want and you tell them and they aren’t ok, well shit… it’s your life — you don’t need to give them 92 chances. You can drop them if you want because GUESS WHAT!?? You control you. And you control who you talk to and YOU control your environment and the people in it… I always try to communicate first but sometimes people don’t want to listen or listen and say all the right things and then don’t actually follow through (brief aside: WTF can’t people just follow through and do what they say they’re gonna do?!?! I have such a HUGE button on this)… sometimes I even give another chance because I really really believe in the good in people and people wanting to do right. And sometimes I give 89 more chances and get hardcore burned and get bitter… no one is perfect! Point is, at some point, these are the people that are meant to be guest stars and not recurring characters because they are hurting you. Take it from me. Learn from my bullshit experiences. Don’t be me — I am hard-headed af. hehe <shrug>
Well this seems like a good time to end off (yknow after the other 3x I could have ended off before this :-P)
I will leave you with this final thought from Abe: