“No homie left behind”

This is my new motto for the rest of the year and maybe for life. This is also where I get vague and try to express myself all at the same time. 

Where this came from: So this past weekend was Yom Kippur. For those of you that don’t know what this is, it is the Jewish day of Atonement. Happens once a year, 10 days after Rosh Hashana (the Jewish new year); from sundown to sundown, Jews fast and atone for their sins, reflecting on the past year and all that has happened. I spent Friday night and the first half of Saturday at Synagogue. I will tell you, I always have a hard fast. Probably because I love food. It’s hard. Because Yom Kippur is an extremely personal holy day (highest of all high holy days), I will not go into what I atoned and repented for but I did it; it’s done and I intend to learn from it and subsequently make some changes in my life per my observations. I like to do this type of reflection every year, or at least I have every year since 2009.

A lot of stuff happens at this time of year every year. My best friend in college committed suicide in August of 2006. The Jewish high holy days occur, as mentioned above, it is always a time of reflection and changes (if you’re lucky)…

I have been through some shit. In 2004, I made a decision to go to hell and in 2009, I made the effort to return from said self-created hell. People came and went and some came back when I came back. None of it was easy. It is not a 5 years I wish upon my worst enemy and it is not a 5 years that I wish to repeat. I lost a lot of good friends, either to hell or to the fact that I pushed them away with my own actions. I don’t blame the ones that left and I am happy and grateful to the ones that came back. I cannot begin to express how grateful. One of my best friends helped me throughout the 5 years of hell and subsequently, left shortly after the darkness had been lifted. She left me behind and while I know this is about no homies being left behind, the important thing about this particular situation to note, is that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It caused me to wake up. She left because I was so negative and down on myself and everyone around me that she couldnt take it anymore. And rightly so! I was complete ants at a picnic. My brother and I hadnt spoken like normal human beings in several years, my dad wasn’t my biggest fan and a lot of my other closest friends had bailed early on. This person bailing, was the kick in the ass that I needed to wake up and realize that things needed to change. So when this time of year rolled around, back in 2009, I made the effort to “attend” services online (since I was in the middle of Oklahoma). I took the day off in religious observance and made an effort to pay attention to the prayer passages being read on Yom Kippur. 

The reason I bring up No homies left behind (similar to no children left behind), is because yes, while some people need to be dropped like bad habits, others need to be encouraged to move forward and need to know they have your support. I can name 11 people off the top of my head that I would without a doubt help out, no questions asked (this does not include my immediate family and my husband). The no questions asked part always gets me because if you know me, then you know I am nosey as hell. I really NEED to know. But if one of these 11 people asked me for anything under the sun (save murder), I would do it, no questions asked. They are my support and my lifeline. They remind me that I am more than just a computer nerd or more than just whatever valence I have taken on at the moment. These people remind me I am human. And sometimes, I think it is important to reflect and remember the important things in life: family (Jay, my parents and my brother — who is in the list of 11), friends, and of course puppies! Point being, these people didn’t leave me behind, they tried to help in my dark days and when I came out of this period in my life, they were there to say what’s up and make sure I was alright.

To update you on life: Last week on Wednesday, after my workout, I ended up tripping down the stairs in my condo building and catching myself with my bad foot. It hurt a lot and my knees buckled under me at the pain. I really messed up my foot when I tripped. So I had to email my coach and call my PT and let them know that 1) I would be sitting out of workouts until early this week (will probably start up tomorrow) and 2) make sure that icing and elevating was all I could/should be doing to help in the healing. I was so angry at myself.

So this past weekend was Yom Kippur. For those of you that don’t know what this is, it is the Jewish day of Atonement. Happens once a year, 10 days after Rosh Hashana (the Jewish new year); from sundown to sundown, Jews fast and atone for their sins, reflecting on the past year and all that has happened. I spent Friday night and the first half of Saturday at Synagogue. I will tell you, I always have a hard fast. Probably because I love food. It’s hard. Because Yom Kippur is an extremely personal holy day (highest of all high holy days), I will not go into what I atoned and repented for but I did it; it’s done and I intend to learn from it and subsequently make some changes in my life per my observations. 

Anyway, that’s pretty much all I got for now. I am humbled by this time of year, and I count my blessings at this time of year, reminding myself that so many have helped me get to where I am today and without even one of them, I would be completely different. I am truly blessed and amazed to have the friends I have and a family that loves and cares for me so very much (like my husband who moved across the US for me or my brother who is going to run 200 miles with me and 10 other people or my folks who are literally the most amazing people I have ever met).

I want to encourage all of you (whether Jewish, Muslim, Christian or whatever) to take a hard look at your life and discover yourself all over again — this is important to do at least once a year. As you change, your list will change and so will your priorities. Always good to take a moment to reflect on that. So… yknow, go reflect damnit.