upset weekly om

so this week’s weekly om is not super hard to write but is hard to put down on paper when i am filled with such anger… i know those seem like contradicting statements but allow me to explain and i think you will understand.

i am angry for a number of reasons. I am angry because of what happened at the boston marathon. (more to talk about down below). I am angry because when I wrote about my anger initially, someone in a facebook group bitched me out for posting the link. And I am angry at my stupid freaking foot that is stopping me from competing in every single race i registered for in spring running season.

I am angered by what happened at the Boston Marathon on Monday. Homeboy thinks its cool to build some kinda pipe bomb or something and put nails and other schrapnel in it, forcing innocent spectators and runners alike to have their legs amputated. I might have an injured foot but I still have my foot and for that I am grateful, no matter how much I whine and complain about not being able to run (will address below). With that being said, the Boston marathon is hard as hell to qualify and run. Charity runners take hours upon hours upon hours to raise money for the respective charities and often times you still need a fast marathon or something to get on with a charity for boston (i think, the rules are still fuzzy to me on the rules there). Runners who qualify bust their asses to qualify for Boston. I don’t know if you have run a marathon or a half, if so you know the level of difficulty and training it takes to maintain an 8:12 min/mile for 26.2 miles to qualify for Boston (for women in my age group which is 18-34). Looking at that time – 8 min and 12 sec a mile for 26.2 miles, seems unfeasible to me on several levels. 1) im in a boot. 2) when not in a boot, i had just gotten down to 10:30 a mile and was super proud of that — with all of this being noted, im not gonna lie, i am more determined than ever to run a marathon in the next 4 years that will give me a qualifying time. I suppose i too will just have to bust my ass to get there. all the bomber did for me, was light a fire inside me to make it to the Boston Marathon at some point in my life. (in case you dont know, the Boston Marathon is the World Cup for runners. it is an amazing and touching and heart filled event full of enthusiasm and honor and pride).

A few more notes about boston: the official charity for people injured in the bombing is here Boston One Fund; the runners community throughout the US and the world are organizing a movement to run for boston as a group, one week following the tragedy. The movement was started by Pavement Runner and all of the info about various cities are here — dc is meeting up downtown although the time says 12am, so i would suggest contacting and double checking…i will maybe show and pass out water or something since im injured. There are also lots of different t-shirts being sold to remember boston with all proceeds going to boston peeps. This is the one I purchased, they have two prints and is for a good cause.

so to recap, i am grateful i still have both of my legs and feet even if they do suck from time to time and i will, some day qualify for boston… step 1) run the MCM. also noted, the various opportunities to donate and to run and such in your city. go support the community and unify!

I think the facebook thing is self-explanatory. It was stupid and i shouldnt have let it bother me but i did. either way, i have toyed with the idea of deleting facebook for a while, we all know i never will because it is a lifeline to many people who i know longer speak with or see and so for that, i keep it. it also allows me to connect with runDisney peeps, Team Victorious members and other runners that i would otherwise not connect with… and with that, we move on.

Last fall/winter, I started planning my Spring race schedule. In January, on my lunch break at nasa, i sat at my computer waiting for registration to open for the Marine Corps 17.75k that would give the golden ticket and happen on March 23. This was my golden ticket to MCM. I registered for Nike Women’s half on a whim after a 10k pr on a training run – this was going to be my redemption half marathon from the Princess half where I took my time and stopped for character pics and everything (no regrets). Last september on the day registration opened, I coordinated with my buddies Aaron and Sheena and a NASA buddy, Lauren to sign up for and compete in the Rocketman Triathlon. The awesomeness about this tri for nasa nerds is that the bike portion goes around both launchpads within Kennedy Space Center. This is awesome and a one of a kind race.

I am angry because I wasnt fit for the 17.75k so that was very unpretty. I was a blubbering fool (in private). But my injury persisted and continued and here we are a week out from the Nike Half here in DC and I can’t run, transfer or defer my bib so i am out the $160 race entry fee. WHICH SUCKS. With the rocketman tri, i can do the swimming portion and that is about it. I can’t bike without using the ball of my foot and the only part i really wanted to do was the bike portion because it goes around the launchpads. in my year and a half with nasa, i never got to go to a launch or see the launchpads or anything. as a nasa nerd and nerd in general, i would LOVE to see the launchpads. UGH! and since rocketman doesnt run the space coast marathon i am not sure if i can transfer to that or not… just really sad about it all. Angry about losing the money (just know it was a lot of money) and angry at the nike race that doesnt offer deferment, transfer or refund to people who get injured….

but at least the nike entry fee (despite being expensive) is going towards something awesome (cancer research) right? at least part of it has to go towards that. On a side note, my husband is so awesome.

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my husband is not a runner. he enjoys biking and swimming. and he hasnt run since december but he offered to run the nike women’s race for me which touched my heart. he has really been amazing through all of this.

so i am thankful for my husband because he is awesome.

it is really hard and frustrating to try and explain to people why you miss running so much when you cant physically run. personally it is my therapy. it makes me able to tolerate the stupidity and constant barrage of idiots you meet when living in a big city and taking public transport… so when i cant run i turn into a cross between a pretty angry and a really depressed individual and i suck at hiding it. i went to another doc for a second opinion on tuesday who told me i had turf toe and not sesamoiditis like the first doctor initially suggested. so what does this mean? well it means that i am back in the boot again (i was only out of it for like 3 days). The new doc said i could stay in my sneaks if i could walk without bending my toe joints at all. i tried this for a day and it made walking hard… so i resigned myself to being back in the stupid boot. the doc also said i could start biking as long as i dont use the ball of my foot on the pedal… this sounds hard. i have not tried it yet but i am thinking it is less than fun… so this leaves me with swimming. and upper body weight lifting.

tuesday night i finally managed to explain my feelings of anguish at being unable to run or move efficiently to my husband and a buddy of mine. and it felt really good to finally convey what i was feeling and feel understood. not being able to participate in your passion and realizing it and then admitting to yourself that you arent going to be able to participate in races that you were planning on makes one very sad. screw the loss of money (yea it sucks) but not being able to run and generally function (no cycling, no spinning, no yoga, no barre, NOTHING but swimming) is really hard and pretty damn discouraging about life in general. and every time i think about it, i get sad all over again. i thought after tuesday night i was doing better. i came to work feeling awesome, determined to change my outlook and change my eating and just change and get better and do better and be happy becca again. but i guess it didnt stick? idunno.

i am going to do whole 30, prolly in june (why wait so long? too many trip in the month of may and lack of control over available foods make it hard for me to conceivably plan for whole 30 in may). I bought the book (It Starts With Food: Discover the Whole30 and Change Your Life in Unexpected Ways) and intend to start reading it the second my Comp Sci class is over next week. I picked out a gym and plan on signing up this weekend.

i am just going to make some changes and let me just say and im going to start doing some of these exercises too to make my hips stronger, i cant wait to get out of this boot… again…. so lets recap and weekly om it up:

what im thankful for this week:

1) that i have both of my legs and both of my feet even if one is busted (my heart and prayers go out to those in boston)

2) my amazing husband who never fails to make me laugh and who buys me jellybeans to make me feel better.

3) the light at the end of the tunnel and the new doc i have started seeing (he seems to know what he is talkin about)

4) my job. it is steady and constant and keeps me grounded

5) support from family and friends who have to listen to me whine and be sad and angry. and who deal with my anger in stride.

have a good week and throw your hands up like the ceiling cant hold you!

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