Overthinking Life and #KeepingItReal
This morning on my drive into work, I got to thinking, which is always dangerous for me….
Brief aside, reasons why thinking is dangerous for me: I overthink things like whoa! I get myself all spun up over the smallest of things and start wondering how someone else interpreted what I said or did even if it is the smallest of details. I have been reminded, recently especially, of how much I overthink things. For example, I run at 5am with a group of people who have become close friends… which means I get up at 4:03am (yea, I am that neurotic, #OwningIt) and before my feet have already touched the floor, I have analyzed my interactions of the previous day, questioned at least 3 things and then reassured myself, sometimes sending a random message of nonsense to Rachel, Shannon or Maria… and then I inevitably get the response of “you have too many thoughts for this hour of the day”. LOL
So, here I am driving into work, and Beach Boys comes on, which never fails to cause emotions for me, reminding me of my dearly departed father and for the first time in a while, I actually listened to Little Deuce Coup, let myself remember how my dad used to always sing out loud and proud when that song would come on… and then I realized today was Aug 31. Aug 29-31 hold a special place for me because it was when I lost Donovan (my best friend from college) back in 2006 and then other things compounded after that… I was recounting this painful history (and then some) to a friend about a week ago and I realized, I done seen some shit. And that “shit” has colored my entire world view… I mean how could it not?
I have less empathy and virtually no sympathy.
My filter has slowly eroded over the years as large life events have occurred (friends dying, pop dying, me being a complete and utter idiot, god, literally if you name it, I have prolly done it…) and I somehow came to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose during most communications and while under normal circumstances, this would be fine….
…but then enter in my brain and overthinking and it becomes quite the shit show that ensues… constantly double checking, rereading, over communicating, over apologizing. You would think I was insecure (I mean I am to an extent but not really to a large extent as I give very few f’s these days) or lacking in confidence (which if you know me, like really know me, in person, you know this isn’t true), yet really I am just a ridiculous over thinker. And it gets UGGGGGLLLLYYYYYYYY (just ask Linzie, Brian, Jess or Amy) hehe
And while in my every day job, literally HALF of my time is dedicated to overthinking so that I don’t miss one detail or another — I mean, I get paid to be me…. which is AWESOME but it carries over into my personal life and can often make my normal social interactions MORE awkward than they would be otherwise.. and for a while there, a period of about 3 months, I didn’t overthink anything and I didn’t care about the fall out or the possible reaction of that person over there or that other dude next to me or anything and it was awesome, but it rapidly came to my attention that this wasn’t socially acceptable at all because I started to bottle up my feelings which caused really bad reactionary things to happen… I failed to change my tone in several convos
…and hurt some feelings on accident and then I overthought it, apologized profusely and proceeded to make shit super awkward….
also gotta say, most of my convos, I make awkward, then ramble some more and then overthink the shit out of it, annoying everyone in my wake! BUT I am legitimately working on it.
SO what I have learned from all of this:
which is my most appealing quality… being a weirdo.
and that I def need to stop overthinking and start living more in the present. I currently do this about 52% of the time which is up from like the 36% where it was at the beginning of the year, but shiiiitttt I gotta get better at it. 🙂
I guess we all do really.
Anyway, til next time… 😛