#LessonsLearned: Nonchalant on the Surface
You ever have that brief time where you are talking with someone and acting all chill and cool (because that’s my vibe) and then you accidentally hit the video call button and FREAK THE F OUT! Yeeeeeeaaaaaaa, that’s me… like all the time. On the surface, totally chill. No F’s given… underneath, I have like 9 little worker becca’s frantically running around screaming with their arms in the air!
Don’t get me wrong, I spent a lot of time recently working on changing this. And in reality, I am way down on the scale… I used to be at 23 little worker beccas and now I am down to 9! WINNING!
Alright, full disclosure…
I took the last two weeks off from work and from life… well… a week and a half. I slept in, I hung with my kid, I worked on myself (alone and professionally) and I really tried to improve my mental standing and general life outlook. No, there was nothing wrong with my general life outlook… I was the same person I had always been. I was an angry mofo who pushed feelings down and buried them deep and hid everything under sarcasm and wit (which I have for days… still 🙂 — it’s who I am). After several realizations, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t like being angry and that I was going to accept who I was wholly and completely and something shifted. Maybe you felt it? It would have happened two Thursdays ago… in the evening, around 8:13pm (ballpark). A weight lifted, I dropped two pounds instantaneously (yea, for reals) and something inside me clicked. And I felt and feel better. I am able to separate myself from my emotions — I am not explaining this effectively. I have this constant state of contentment and when I do experience a situation that upsets or annoys me, it isnt all consuming like it used to be. I have this layer of contentment and then a layer of <insert feeling here> and that layer of some other feeling doesn’t disturb my layer of contentment. Its kind of totally awesome and unlike anything I have experienced before.
I have literally found a solid footing in the land of feels that I have been struggling to find for the last decade. It makes it easy to dodge the negativity and stay positive. I do still have moments of extreme insecurity. So I am enjoying the constant reminders of relaxed and/or chill communication levels with people. It’s helping me react less (aka, act like less of a crazy asshat).
^^^ this is my current constant mental state but I have a lot of reactionary habits that haven’t quite faded away. Basically I am a combination of awesome relaxed communication and complete and utter overthinking freak outs. But this is an improvement from just a few short weeks ago.
My point is, the people currently in my life are hanging in there with me and working with me, noticing my hard work and rolling with the changes in a good way. And while I am not and have never been heartless, although I did act like it quite a bit, I took the feelings I had and would shove them down and away from the surface and as far as I could from anywhere that I could touch them and would just be angry. All. Of. The. Time. Doing away with that layer of anger, I have realized that I am still very logical in nature, but my real feels are quite a bit closer to the surface. So while this is an adjustment period for me (and unfortunately, those in my immediate vicinity), it is probably resulting in a lot more open communication with a gentler tone and much more tolerance than I have exercised previously.
SOOOOOO in recap, new life policies:
oh hah! oh wait! not that… this:
and yknow, now that I know I have caught some kind of feels, I will make sure to address them in a more timely fashion 😛