failing vs winning?

things i have failed at in the past few months:

running (foot is down for the count = unhappy non-running becca)
not freaking out (finals for spring semester, finals for summer semester, work, not enough time in the day)
eating (i have ate complete crap since i havent been able to run and lemme say, it shows)
staying positive (every time i see some asshole post about how they have to sit out from running or physical exertion for a week or two weeks, i wanna scream, i have been out since march 18th, missed countless races and am still trying to stay positive and support people while i cant even participate, WHICH IS HARD AS HELL — ok, you guys aren’t really assholes, it is just really frustrating to hear about your week long lull when i am in a 5 month stretch of bullshit and im angry. i have no outlet to release this anger and i am unfairly taking it out on you, so consider this some kind of retraction, although not enough to delete it from the top list, but enough to say life is life, and it is what it is and i am trying to stay positive and encourage you regardless)

things i have succeeded at in the same past few months:

not killing anyone (can’t say the same for some of my stuff which has gotten thrown or trashed because it made me angry… just bein real)
not quitting my masters program (even though i have contemplated this aloud a few times, i am still truckin along)
supporting those that are doing shit (i am trying my damnedest to stay positive for the people that are running and moving and trying. the people that are running the MCM or getting started running or even talking about starting to run, because these people all need support)
being honest (one thing i pride myself on is being honest. i am honest in every way shape and form and i am pretty upfront and downright confrontational when i need to be)
not letting my built up emotions get the best of me  (at this momoent in time, i cannot run which is my normal release for emotions. i cannot swim. i cannot bike, i cannot yoga and hell, i can’t do anything that involves my feet. i can do core workouts, but im not super motivated.. im working on it. anyway, i have very little release for my emotions other than my old default of eating my feelings, which i have totally done my fair share of in the past 5 months; point is, i have not succumbed to my emotions, i have not sought out other options to drown my emotions and i havent reverted to my past ways of dealing with my emotions. these are all good things.)

haters gonna hate. and i think im a hater?

anyway, the point of saying these things isnt to make anyone feel bad or to single anyone out or whatever. this post is not about you. at all. i am psychotic. its my blog, so chances are its about me. i have anger issues. and i normally deal with them through running and i am surprised it has taken me this long to put this down on paper… but it is REALLY hard to stay positive about stuff other people are doing in the fitness community when i am not even cleared to set foot in a gym. i am trying really hard to stay positive. one thing i do know, injuries suck. but lets not dwell. I know a lot of people who are busting their asses to train for races i wanted to do or things i wanted to participate in. My buddy Kat (hoping to meet here in real life in the future) is running the MCM and I so desperately want to be matching her mile for mile. SHE IS KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES. and even though i am not there with her, i see her posts, i read em and i encourage. 

another buddy of mine is injured too and doing what she can to work out while injured – she has even posted blogs and videos with how tos.

i realize i am not the only person who has this issue and i am not the only person who has thought about quitting or eaten their feelings or whatever. hell im not even the only person to bitch about this stuff. i will say. this is not a pity post. dont tell me it will get better. i know im on the mend. i had fucking surgery. i know i dont heal over night. what i do know is that just because i logically know things doesnt mean i accept them easily or whatever. i have basically shoved these feelings down my throat and held them in since april 1 when i came to terms with the fact that something was seriously wrong. i saw 3 different doctors, finally got action taken and had corrective surgery for a condition that was caused due to years and years of competitive soccer. yes, i did this to myself. yes, i chose to have surgery to fix it so i could hopefully run more than 3.5 miles without pain, and YES I KNOW THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. 

where did soccer get me? it got me through countless years of people making fun of me and teasing me and made people focus on something other than my being the principals daughter, or a nerd or anything else people messed with me for (even being a goody goody). it got me through years of my head up my ass and moving to new places and moving back to old places. soccer has saved me on more than one occasion, so i regret NONE of the 25+ years i spent with a sport that has given me 5 surgeries, countless jerseys, smelly shinguards, numerous friends, amazing memories, and tons of other things.

i guess i have gone off the path from where i started. i guess my whole point is, life goes on. this isnt the end of the world. i have rage issues that arent going to heal over night and i normally supplement with exercise. since my injury and limited mobility, i have had to sort out other ways to deal with my rage. i have started funneling my rage into helping people (for free… god what am i thinking) with their blogs and websites. because i can. why not right? i give advice and free consults. most work will cost some cash but i cut a remarkable deal. i also have begun developing a career plan for me. i have started working towards the once abandoned development of mobile apps and other pieces of software i would like to see exist but just doesnt yet. i have ideas for awesome tools that i want to implement, create and patent. 

long story short, i guess im not as angry as i thought and it took yelling and putting it all down in a blog post to sort out that while it pangs me to see others running, it also makes me happy to know that i will join them again soon.

my built up anger might be why i havent been posting. but last night when i was sitting on my kitchen floor waiting for the meat for tonights crock pot beef stew to finish searing on the outside, i was participating in a facebook conversation with some ladies who dont know a lot about technical stuff and i realized that it makes me feel good to help people. it also makes me feel good to encourage people and it makes me feel downright awesome to go out to local races, hold up signs and cheer for every single freakin runner i see.

i guess im my own hater and all i can say is im working on it.

i am going to hit publish. see yall on the flip.

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  1. Mar @ Mar on the Run! says

    I don’t know how I haven’t been following your blog (bad Mar!) I knew you were out of commission and I’m sorry 🙁 but good on you for writing this post! You have every right to feel what you feel. That’s the thing about feelings, good or bad – they’re yours and your alone. Thinking happy thought for you and hope you get back to it soon!!

    1. onelittlebecca says

      thanks. sorry it took me so long to respond. slammed with end of the semester project and finals! i appreciate the support! i am actually clear to run tomorrow but my running shoes are too small, so i ordered new ones tonight. overnighting em. lotsa cushion. we shall see how this goes 🙂

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