Giving up my Love, Weekly Om and some Other Thoughts

When I quit the high school soccer team for theatre, I was just sick of soccer. I played on three teams and needed to drop one. By the time I got to college, I had decided to lay off of soccer for a while and maybe find something else to occupy my time. When I did finally get around to walking on the Purdue team, I thought this is a level I prolly can’t hack it at but what the hey, I will try. I tried… it was ok. While standing just under 5’5″, I am no one’s first pick for a goalkeeper, especially at a Div 1, Big Ten school like Purdue. So while I had things to offer the team, I was never going to see any playing time. So I moved on. I finally got the itch to play soccer again when I was out in Oklahoma and I had been running for a while. I started looking up leagues and teams nearby but my options were limited to be the creepy older person or drive like an hour and a half to practice and play ball. So I sat it out longer…

When I finally moved back to the DC area in October of 2011, I hooked back up with Rachel, a close buddy, who was very much actively playing soccer and getting back to it after knee stuff, and she invited me to play ball with her indoor team. This team evolved into an outdoor team and I was hooked. Every Monday night, I would haul ass all over the DC metro area, mostly outwards of chantilly and all the way up to Alexandria, to get my soccer fix. It was great. I felt like I had gained a second family in my soccer team. We played together, we hung out together, and we celebrated each other’s successes and mourned the losses. It was the epitome of camaraderie. I planned on being in this family for a long time to come. 

Now, keeping in mind that yes I am still very young, this does not negate the fact that I have been playing soccer since I was 4. That is 25+ years of slamming into people, slide tackling, breaking bones, pulling muscles, cutting left, faking right, diving everywhere and jumping all over. I was not shy of attacking the ball and I was known as an aggressive and physical player. My size might be small, but I used what I had and when I stepped on the field, I would challenge everyone, even the 210 pound 6 foot guy, and 5 times outta 8 I would get the ball… even if he did end up on his back (and no I didn’t trip the dude…)… But there comes a time when you gotta face facts. After 4 surgeries on various appendages,  multiple broken bones and tons of bruises, at the age of almost 30 (2.5 months shy), I am hanging up my cleats for the forseeable future. As I stare down at the possibility of yet another surgery due to a sport that I love dearly, I have to evaluate what is best for me and for my aging body. I have arthritis at 29 – and apparently it isn’t normal. So, for now, soccer is out. I emailed my team captain this morning and told him of my resignation. He said he would count it as an extended hiatus and we would play it by ear and while that is very generous, it is prolly not so. 

Neither here nor there though, as I approach the upcoming weeks, I will be trying to build stamina and get as strong as I can so that when I can run, I am prepared to jump into marathon training and ragnar training alike. While I leave the world of contact sports, I go into the world of distance running, deeper and deeper. When one door shuts, another opens. And I think it is just up to you to walk through or in my case, hobble through… 

Speaking of hobbling… I had another appt this morning to follow up after steroids and was referred to a foot surgeon within the practice. I meet with him next week.

which allows me to move to some things I am grateful for.

1) Old coworkers turned amazing friends. On Friday, I went out to Lola’s Barracks Bar and Grill to say good bye to Mike and I got the opportunity to see a bunch of awesome people from NASA and just hang out socially. Bob, Lauren, Trent and Bill were all there, among many others! I need to get over to HQ and see these people more often. They were a great group of people to work with and I am truly blessed to have had them in my life and to still have em around. 

2) The fact that I still have my foot and that I will be able to wear flip flops by the end of the summer! WOOT! can’t wait! I LIVE in flip flops! Just happy to hear that they arent out forever!

3) My soccer team. I have mentioned being grateful for these people before, but I really am grateful for them. They are amazing and supportive individuals who come together like a family and support one another through everything. Even if I am quitting soccer, I am not quitting the family!

SO with that done, I digress to some other thoughts I have floating around in my brain. I normally like to keep it positive and while this next bit isn’t really super negative, it isn’t super positive either and I am going to rant… mostly at myself but yea.  This next part is not for the faint of heart nor is it directed towards anyone in particular other than to myself…. mostly just observations about my own actions.

So often when I lecture on here, I am lecturing to myself about how I have shoved my head too far up my ass and need to pull it down a little. Other times when I rant, it is at a situation that is particularly frustrating due to the amount of stupidity provided by other people involved… in this case it is the former. I am ranting mostly at myself, but I know it applies to others out there. I read a post by a friend of mine about how all people go through shit and how any shit I have gone through, you have either gone through something similar, the same or on the same level. This is all very true. And I agree. And this got me thinking about some other things that I do. When I surf the net or facebook, I often wonder how I got where I am today and where I could have been had I not taken several years of detour. I lost 6-8 years of my life to stupidity, so often times now, I have very little tolerance for it (in any manifestation). I tend to move on and leave stupid people behind. My buddy’s post really brought to my attention how people opt to draw attention to themselves and their experiences to make them feel important and to get the desired attention from their peers or their family or friends or whoever. I find that more often than not, instead of sharing experiences to draw attention to myself, I end up BLAHing to people. I often end up trying very hard not to offend anyone even though I sit here and preach that I am a tough bad ass and I don’t care what people think and blahblahblah. As much as I want this to be true, if I think for even a second I have offended someone or when I see someone else is just thinking of someone else or willing to do x y or z for someone, I wonder if I am doing enough or going the extra mile in the friendship also. How freakin narcissistic! HOLY HELL! hahaha. I would love to say that this kind of “never being good enough” thought process is going to stop with this post! But we all know that it might stop for like a day and then would proceed for years to come. So instead I am just going to say that I acknowledge my thought process on these types of situations and if I can just allow myself to recognize it in the future, that will be improvement. Baby steps. Do I have thoughts about how this post might even alienate me from some of my friends?! hell yea, I have that thought, but I have, for far too long, pushed feelings that I thought might upset others down and let them go (except for with my husband, he gets everything full scale) and I originally started this blog as a way to express myself and get my thoughts out, even the uncomfortable ones. Everyone has thoughts like this, I don’t have to ask if you do, I know you do, because I see it every day in other people…. trying to please others. 

As much as I would like to care less, I have been preaching caring less my entire life and have never succeeded. I aim to please people. I am a people pleaser. and I guess you could call this the start of the confessions of a people pleaser. And I am working on it. hahaha. consider THAT a new section to add to the blog. It may crop up in the near future. We shall see. Until then and until next time…. I am the idiot you have chosen to continue reading, so read on. I will post again soon and until then, I was going to leave you with some funny posts/pics/videos but i just received a call from some stupid people and need to go handle this so I will just bid you ado.


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