Weekly Om and Just Call me Struggles

So here I was sitting, minding my own business, programming for work… yknow my day job and with pandora on shuffle, it never ceases to amaze me! And today, being no exception, Cmon Eileen just came on pandora (yay for pandora shuffle!) — Cmon Eileen is one of those great college piano bar anthems that the piano man used to play at the rusty bucket saloon inside of the neon cactus on thursday nights when he would take requests and rail drinks in 44 oz cups were $1.50. I have some very distinct (and other not so distinct) memories from that bar. Hell, the night of my graduation, my big brother, Ben, and my very very close friend Sheena took me out and treated me (really my father gave cash to my bro to take me out so my dad treated ben and sheena and I) to grey goose shots while making outlandish requests like my dingaling and sweet caroline and cmon eileen — and this is just one of many memories that occurred at this piano bar. Anyway with this song coming on, it reminded me of how I wasn’t really struggling in college because I took the easy way out — calculus and diff-eq got too hard, physics was too much work so i went full throttle into English Lit and writing my ass off, which came easy to me…. just such a downer. I feel like this song was reminding me of something else too but it escapes me at the moment…

with the college thoughts, i had the thought of why didnt i ever write that damn great american novel that was going to support me and my parents to old age at a level that we could all rapidly become accumstomed to?

but i digress. life seems to be a struggle these days, no idea why. i am definitely still going through the motions.

what i need to be doing…and plan to work on starrrrrting now!

runs – i haven’t wanted to get up and run since the time change. I didn’t even want to run the 7 mile record breaker i had sunday, but i ran it and i broke 3 personal records! my 5 mile pr was broken by 30 seconds, my 10k time was broken by a full minute and my 7 miler training run record was broken by 4 freakin minutes! the gods somewhere were smiling on me and then i shat on them by not running until this morning if you could even call my run this morning a run. yea, i got up and ran 2.5 miles but it was ONLY 2.5 miles and spare me the whole you’re lapping everyone on the couch – running only 2.5 miles, i might as well have stayed on the couch for the mileage i have been putting up… idunno, i need to get up and do 4-5 miles tomorrow morning and i dont want to do that either… hehehe idunno what it is, but just call me struggles.

with school – as I said in my last (real) post, I have a habit of quitting things, and i have been feeling a strong desire to quit school, even though both you and i know i am not going to do that and we also both know that this one class is just a test – separating the women from the girls, the men from the boys, etc… yet, here i am stalling on getting case studies together and stalling on writing this 20 pager which needs to be done in 4 weeks. 4 WEEKS and yknow why? cause my dumbass went and signed up for a half marathon on the 28th and a triathlon on the 5th (in florida!)…. so this means that i need to finish the paper that i am completely unmotivated to write by april 20th….good job right? pat on the back, you say? hehehe gosh im hopeless! anyway long story short, i changed my topic last second while giving my presentation (which the prof loved the new topic), only problem is i havent gathered the necessary case studies and it has been a week! i need to start writing but im too lazy/unmotivated/mentally not here to even read a case study and decide if that is what is needed. i have done several google searches and found several possible case studies but i open them and then close them without reading them cause i just dont care at that moment in time….

brief aside: i didn’t wash my apple and i bit my cheek — this is all proving how unmotivated i am to move and do things… i havent been hit with a spell this bad since crap… a long time… and every time i think of quitting anything i think about a few things, all related to my father… the convo i had with him a couple years back when he told me i quit everything and i vowed never to quit anything else EVER, and this goes to how i cant help but think that he believes in commitment and not quitting because he quit his doctoral program in the middle of his program after moving here and he may(?) regret it (dunno if he does or doesnt but when you commit your life to something and you quit, no matter the reason, you gotta wonder what might have been right?) – and while i could be way off base, part of me believes that he doesnt want me to (repeat his regrets) regret quitting something else!

with life – i keep coming up with these awesome and somewhat extreme ideas that are only extreme because i dont have the drive to follow through with them.

but i better get motivated because I signed up for a race (kind of last minute considering the race) at the end of april… the inaugural nike women’s half in dc (aside: i did this mostly because of two things. 1) i KNOW i can do better than the 3 hour time or even the 2 hours and 49 minutes –minus the picture time– at the princess half and while i wanted to do va wine country half, it was sold out and nike sent me an opp to get in on the action last weekend… and 2) my husband. money is kinda tight right now, and my husband said  we could make this race happen for me because he wants me to do well and wants my dreams to become realities. he is a much better man than i give him credit for and i am truly lucky to have him in my life) and a triathlon a week later in florida at nasa’s kennedy space center with friends and old coworkers from nasa – if you are reading, know that i miss you. all of you! you nasa peeps are great! i was blessed to be given the opportunity to get to know all of you!

but here it is, the long story short: just call me struggles because i feel like i have been struggling in every possible way since prolly friday/saturday. something changed (aside from the time) that has just been killing my motivation and i have no idea what it is but it has got to stop! so i have been working on coming up with a pump me up playlist… funny about this, eye of the tiger is on my pandora shuffle

so far on this playlist is:

Imagine Dragon: On top of the World

Lumineers: Hey Ho

Dexy’s Midnight Riders: C’mon Eileen

Survivor: Eye of the tiger (because its on the headphones now)

Mulan: I’ll Make a Man Outta you

Salt n Peppa: Push it

Skrillex and Benny Begassi: Cinema

Sublime: What I Got

Black Keys: Gold on the Ceiling

Flux Pavilion: Gold Dust

Florence and the Machine: You’ve got the Love

Long Beach Dub Allstars: Sunny Hours

Flo-rida: Whistle

David Guetta: Titanium

David Guetta: Repeat

JayZ and Kanye (feat Beyonce): Lift Off

lil huey: pop lock and drop it

 

So this is my list of songs that make me happy, make me want to move forward and make me want to do and be something – so let’s get pumped up right! I am tryin hard to psych myself up to finish this project at work, finish my research for my damn school paper, and get motivated to run like i know i can! I am getting ready to enter race season and then training season and then more racing! cant’ fail, wont quit, dont ever give up!

BOOM!

So with this pump up, I want to take a moment to introduce something i want to try and remember to do every week… a weekly om of sorts, where every week (hopefully on wednesday) I think of 5 things I am completely and utterly grateful for.

This week, the things I am grateful for:

1) my husband

2) my mommy

3) my intelligence. i know this sounds really conceited and super egotistical, but believe me in my case, growing up with a big brother and a father like mine with their intelligence overshadowing mine, i am just happy i believe i have any at all 🙂

4) music. i am grateful for music, good and bad, sappy and upbeat, i am grateful for all of it because it pulls me out of funks like this.

5) the sun. i am grateful for the sun and the sunny days to come.

what are you grateful for? what are you motivated/unmotivated for? what gets you motivated? is it music? what pumps you up? (hello! is this thing on?)

 

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